I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
What should our trivia night team be named?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
come find me please
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".