And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
were you high?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
You coming home soon, man?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she peed on how many people?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way