You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
I'm going to Hell for sure
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.