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He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
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