I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you will always have a special place in my vag
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.