Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i think my tv is drunk
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I met the friendliest cop last night
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
What should our trivia night team be named?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.