yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
