I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Houston, we have a squirter
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My cat gives me a boner
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.