Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Operation Purity has been aborted
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You can't special order awesome
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
they need to just BURY HIM!
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Wat do u mean how?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Pappa wants mamma naked
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.