Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests