He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
