kindofcatchy's Favorites Texts:

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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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  (732): I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time. http://tfl.nu/5sl5
  Replies (7) Good night (5172) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

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  (623): Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing. http://tfl.nu/8dgm
  Replies (8) Good night (1739) Bad night (190)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.

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  (513): I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move. http://tfl.nu/stfw
  Replies (5) Good night (716) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.

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  (337): He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked. http://tfl.nu/vhc3
  Replies (3) Good night (727) Bad night (313) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.

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  (208): Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/nw7i
  Replies (9) Good night (787) Bad night (232)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You fed me pizza off a sword last night.

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  (360): You fed me pizza off a sword last night. http://tfl.nu/xrl7
  Replies (17) Good night (1317) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Why does my jaw hurt?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I may have punched you.

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  (303): Why does my jaw hurt? (402): I may have punched you. http://tfl.nu/tz5g
  Replies (7) Good night (1606) Bad night (335)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.

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  (317): I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child. http://tfl.nu/h99a
  Replies (3) Good night (854) Bad night (263) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  That doesn't help me much...

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I'm right under the moon!

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  (604): Come find me please? Im in a ditch. (1-604): That doesn't help me much... (604): I'm right under the moon! http://tfl.nu/u7hc
  Replies (15) Good night (13693) Bad night (1039)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

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  (+44): my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/xnmz
  Replies (6) Good night (1790) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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  (907): We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke. http://tfl.nu/z4fd
  Replies (19) Good night (6431) Bad night (1447)
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  (760): View more from California

  You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker

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  (760): You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker http://tfl.nu/zuvx
  Replies (3) Good night (943) Bad night (226) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Why is there broken glass in my purse?

  (1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting

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  (403): Why is there broken glass in my purse? (1-403): You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting http://tfl.nu/xg38
  Replies (3) Good night (365) Bad night (948)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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  (614): TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG (1-614): HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS http://tfl.nu/fp5t
  Replies (9) Good night (1434) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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  (501): My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone. http://tfl.nu/7x1i
  Replies (6) Good night (1513) Bad night (276) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

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  (802): Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants. http://tfl.nu/qi2o
  Replies (5) Good night (1855) Bad night (1021) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...

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  (404): I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle... http://tfl.nu/sqj1
  Replies (3) Good night (942) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

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  (214): Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us http://tfl.nu/gb64
  Replies (13) Good night (1303) Bad night (2736) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"

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  (716): I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!" http://tfl.nu/0j2g
  Replies (14) Good night (1344) Bad night (313) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?

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  (856): i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me? http://tfl.nu/5yrh
  Replies (4) Good night (1130) Bad night (207) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls

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  (410): Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls http://tfl.nu/o10i
  Replies (4) Good night (2435) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  You rang?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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  (707): You rang? (405): Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone. http://tfl.nu/xnwm
  Replies (15) Good night (2211) Bad night (649)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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  (978): And I can feel feelings now and they hurt http://tfl.nu/fxac
  Replies (2) Good night (696) Bad night (1094) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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  (724): Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies. http://tfl.nu/sr2h
  Replies (17) Good night (2614) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.

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  (918): If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off. http://tfl.nu/c8gb
  Replies (7) Good night (882) Bad night (277) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

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  (619): It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception. http://tfl.nu/8si3
  Replies (11) Good night (2585) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.

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  (715): I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk. http://tfl.nu/px56
  Replies (7) Good night (2099) Bad night (805) Order T-Shirt
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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  (231): you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob. http://tfl.nu/xbl2
  Replies (25) Good night (9431) Bad night (854) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.

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  (425): After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake. http://tfl.nu/nvef
  Replies (16) Good night (3143) Bad night (1846) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  "Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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  (206): "Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha http://tfl.nu/1j7y
  Replies (10) Good night (2829) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.

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  (607): Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun. http://tfl.nu/atlx
  Replies (6) Good night (449) Bad night (1711)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

  (239): View more from Florida

  that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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  (850): I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult. (239): that is the opposite of a normal text message. http://tfl.nu/cufq
  Replies (6) Good night (1500) Bad night (347)
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  (310): View more from California

  I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

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  (310): I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass http://tfl.nu/6152
  Replies (6) Good night (1649) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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  (715): I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT. (1-715): PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING. (1-715): I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little. http://tfl.nu/04tj
  Replies (15) Good night (1815) Bad night (383)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Another day, another engagement, another cat

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  (412): Another day, another engagement, another cat http://tfl.nu/m5x7
  Replies (1) Good night (874) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.

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  (410): What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique. http://tfl.nu/znxz
  Replies (1) Good night (1176) Bad night (327) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  The problem with that is that my car has been stolen

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  (609): The problem with that is that my car has been stolen http://tfl.nu/g95b
  Replies (3) Good night (507) Bad night (1313) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

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  (302): She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before. http://tfl.nu/kra3
  Replies (11) Good night (3549) Bad night (489)
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  (646): View more from New York

  Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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  (646): Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her. http://tfl.nu/s0ys
  Replies (5) Good night (3208) Bad night (537)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

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  (803): My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband. http://tfl.nu/w0zf
  Replies (5) Good night (1884) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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  (740): So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes? http://tfl.nu/wyhr
  Replies (11) Good night (1479) Bad night (3946) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.

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  (256): Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby. http://tfl.nu/s0x6
  Replies (9) Good night (1802) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

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  (808): You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him. http://tfl.nu/k2hw
  Replies (27) Good night (1463) Bad night (3107) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.

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  (618): I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/619k
  Replies (2) Good night (1645) Bad night (730)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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  (541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule. http://tfl.nu/eokl
  Replies (28) Good night (3579) Bad night (627) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory

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  (615): She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory http://tfl.nu/j2ic
  Replies (3) Good night (2700) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  You pretty much isn't said it

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Those words don't go together.

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  (954): You pretty much isn't said it (404): Those words don't go together. http://tfl.nu/8gl1
  Replies (7) Good night (2115) Bad night (539)
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  (714): View more from California

  when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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  (714): when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow http://tfl.nu/3ljm
  Replies (14) Good night (747) Bad night (5260) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN

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  (360): WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN http://tfl.nu/hvye
  Replies (12) Good night (1292) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous

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  (610): I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous http://tfl.nu/uqnx
  Replies (3) Good night (356) Bad night (973)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity

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  (913): This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity http://tfl.nu/jo5n
  Replies (10) Good night (574) Bad night (1139) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.

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  (720): So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword. http://tfl.nu/ujgp
  Replies (15) Good night (1780) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.

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  (724): He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober. http://tfl.nu/f1xw
  Replies (6) Good night (708) Bad night (1761) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

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  (212): Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help? http://tfl.nu/19hc
  Replies (7) Good night (1622) Bad night (603) Order T-Shirt
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  (438): View more from Quebec

  gladiator or hannah montana?

  (514): View more from Quebec

  This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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  (438): gladiator or hannah montana? (514): This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone. http://tfl.nu/qyay
  Replies (3) Good night (2757) Bad night (513)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

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  (913): I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen http://tfl.nu/cr8z
  Replies (5) Good night (1714) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..

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  (+44): She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave.. http://tfl.nu/u6hz
  Replies (11) Good night (1131) Bad night (4311) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

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  (250): We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase http://tfl.nu/f5g4
  Replies (13) Good night (3261) Bad night (595)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

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  (908): I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess http://tfl.nu/xjsr
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

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  (250): I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night http://tfl.nu/2rtf
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!

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  (765): Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you! http://tfl.nu/2ivd
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time

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  (816): Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time http://tfl.nu/d70u
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.

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  (416): Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism. http://tfl.nu/ra36
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You know you think of me naked too

  (210): View more from Texas

  Not since I found Jesus

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  (360): You know you think of me naked too (210): Not since I found Jesus http://tfl.nu/jext
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

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  (920): YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN! http://tfl.nu/7v2u
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  i hope so.

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  (252): woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night? (816): i hope so. http://tfl.nu/2flb
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

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  (520): I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children. http://tfl.nu/78i9
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  (360): View more from Washington

  my secret santa just gave me a pregency test

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  (360): my secret santa just gave me a pregency test http://tfl.nu/rgpa
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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  (270): Don't worry. I has chaperone. http://tfl.nu/r0c5
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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  (262): We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool. http://tfl.nu/01zv
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  (714): View more from California

  dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"

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  (714): dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes" http://tfl.nu/s663
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you

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  (617): I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you http://tfl.nu/59jr
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  (365): View more from

  As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

  (1-365): View more from

  I was judging you.

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  (365): As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over. (1-365): I was judging you. http://tfl.nu/3tin
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.

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  (602): I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night. http://tfl.nu/7hpm
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.

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  (601): I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha. http://tfl.nu/8fn5
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?

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  (517): My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school? http://tfl.nu/rw32
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  you can....by speaking....

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  (401): i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook (1-401): you can....by speaking.... http://tfl.nu/42zu
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  Yes and so do I

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  (702): We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore? (1-702): Yes and so do I http://tfl.nu/4rgh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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  (703): Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him http://tfl.nu/ek6e
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning

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  (586): i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning http://tfl.nu/zcz6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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  (847): Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free. http://tfl.nu/2six
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  (917): View more from New York City

  All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...

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  (917): All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus... http://tfl.nu/bdby
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

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  (804): my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it. http://tfl.nu/l9cy
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  (207): View more from Maine

  using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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  (207): using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code. http://tfl.nu/hjm4
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.

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  (251): My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me. http://tfl.nu/ksmg
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  (904): View more from Florida

  You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.

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  (904): You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus. http://tfl.nu/zy6a
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  (727): View more from Florida

  No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".

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  (727): No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die". http://tfl.nu/gpa4
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  Holy shittt I don't even have a bf

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  (810): I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half. (1-810): Holy shittt I don't even have a bf http://tfl.nu/57lu
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  (850): View more from Florida

  TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

  (407): View more from Florida

  i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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  (850): TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas. (407): i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful. http://tfl.nu/1iey
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.

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  (334): I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet. http://tfl.nu/qfk7
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  (631): View more from New York

  im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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  (631): im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies http://tfl.nu/qgfc
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  this weekend will be like the season finale to my life

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  (859): this weekend will be like the season finale to my life http://tfl.nu/589p
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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  (304): My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger. http://tfl.nu/dtz4
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...

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  (440): Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits... http://tfl.nu/u2u5
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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  (239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.

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  (330): The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31. http://tfl.nu/ugns
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.

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  (757): Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life. http://tfl.nu/3f3y
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

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  (910): I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up http://tfl.nu/word
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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  (508): she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it. http://tfl.nu/mcxs
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.

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  (973): Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer. http://tfl.nu/dm7j
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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  (773): you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE" http://tfl.nu/hmmg
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on

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  (608): I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on http://tfl.nu/h45u
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Bea Arthur died yesterday

  (240): View more from Maryland

  You shut your stupid mouth

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Betty White is next, I just know it.

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

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  (301): Bea Arthur died yesterday (240): You shut your stupid mouth (301): Betty White is next, I just know it. (240): Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next. http://tfl.nu/xn02
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.

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  (785): Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots. http://tfl.nu/uyhv
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  (607): View more from New York

  I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

  (315): View more from New York

  Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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  (607): I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! (315): Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch. http://tfl.nu/yk91
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.

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  (+49): i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve. http://tfl.nu/21ct
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  (315): View more from New York

  I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes

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  (315): I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes http://tfl.nu/99as
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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  (618): So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in. http://tfl.nu/s63a
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"

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  (862): you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen" http://tfl.nu/7vz2
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Wrong number and your a loser

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  (215): It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular (610): Wrong number and your a loser http://tfl.nu/k831
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  (831): View more from California

  I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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  (831): I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT. http://tfl.nu/8xfg
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools

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  (757): i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools http://tfl.nu/dqol
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

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  (605): im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am http://tfl.nu/dc3c
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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  (780): She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile. http://tfl.nu/gnnf
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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  (703): No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me http://tfl.nu/mnmv
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.

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  (808): Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION. http://tfl.nu/42zd
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  yo i have your phone

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  ... oh so you probably won't get this message

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  (202): yo i have your phone (202):... oh so you probably won't get this message http://tfl.nu/0ifv
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice

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  (954): I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice http://tfl.nu/nj79
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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  (973): "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time http://tfl.nu/xrvp
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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  (779): I smell like gasoline and adventure. http://tfl.nu/rkdf
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking

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  (708): The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking http://tfl.nu/dj6c
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

  (425): View more from Washington

  Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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  (206): What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again? (425): Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing. http://tfl.nu/l4cd
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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  (203): i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year http://tfl.nu/ku2e
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

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  (719): Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear. http://tfl.nu/pswl
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather

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  (304): You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather http://tfl.nu/giov
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.

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  (561): Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear. http://tfl.nu/ad52
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.

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  (847): I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware. http://tfl.nu/l9zj
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

  (1-602): View more from Arizona

  you mean pants?

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  (602): I wish they made sweatshirts for legs (1-602): you mean pants? http://tfl.nu/ceop
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours

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  (414): I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours http://tfl.nu/ud9t
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"

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  (781): Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade" http://tfl.nu/du64
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  (207): View more from Maine

  You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!

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  (207): You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?! http://tfl.nu/i02d
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  (360): View more from Washington

  What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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  (360): What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is. http://tfl.nu/1m0s
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I don't remember. Are we still dating?

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  (403): I don't remember. Are we still dating? http://tfl.nu/s8nn
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.

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  (513): So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!" (1-513): You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks. http://tfl.nu/bvbo
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.

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  (201): I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free. http://tfl.nu/mbnk
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.

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  (518): I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly. http://tfl.nu/462q
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

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  (617): when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble http://tfl.nu/6bym
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I think about you every night.

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry.

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  (281): I think about you every night. (1-281): I'm sorry. http://tfl.nu/c1b1
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.

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  (513): I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote. (513): I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now. http://tfl.nu/2ikr
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market

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  (586): I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market http://tfl.nu/4otb
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  bl l w

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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  (908): bl l w (201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel. http://tfl.nu/4an5
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way

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  (248): Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms (1-248): Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way http://tfl.nu/a42d
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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  (231): A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people. http://tfl.nu/k0xd
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards

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  (651): Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards http://tfl.nu/4z51
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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  (919): So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma. http://tfl.nu/it54
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more

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  (856): I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more http://tfl.nu/kc45
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  (315): View more from New York

  he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

  (607): View more from New York

  what a beautiful fairy tale

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  (315): he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out (607): what a beautiful fairy tale http://tfl.nu/50v3
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.

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  (334): Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama. http://tfl.nu/24qa
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.

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  (715): Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day. http://tfl.nu/c6jk
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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  (401): Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life" http://tfl.nu/0dy4
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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  (870): you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions. http://tfl.nu/7qp6
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

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  (715): 1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed http://tfl.nu/vbeb
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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  (573): just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch (636): Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving? (573): IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation http://tfl.nu/yr3e
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers

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  (973): now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers http://tfl.nu/pdyb
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  (713): View more from Texas

  when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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  (713): when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed http://tfl.nu/1ijl
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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  (719): Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you. http://tfl.nu/04eg
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  (432): View more from Texas

  My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT

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  (432): My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT http://tfl.nu/ckt8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

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  (203): I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion http://tfl.nu/g8mo
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.

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  (734): Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic. http://tfl.nu/9ab0
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.

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  (609): I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt. http://tfl.nu/9dqv
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  (916): View more from California

  So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

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  (916): So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones. http://tfl.nu/pw89
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her

  (1-320): View more from Minnesota

  that's how i am about ashleys and britneys

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  (320): her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her (1-320): that's how i am about ashleys and britneys http://tfl.nu/ea81
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

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  (207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight http://tfl.nu/6sqo
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  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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  (+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!" http://tfl.nu/eeqt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

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  (609): Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home. http://tfl.nu/wrow
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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  (608): Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again. http://tfl.nu/9jrz
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

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  (973): Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day. http://tfl.nu/sevp
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts

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  (214): I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts http://tfl.nu/860y
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  honey you're def caucasian

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

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  (704): i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann (803): honey you're def caucasian (704): i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z http://tfl.nu/jt3t
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  (360): View more from Washington

  i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

  (206): View more from Washington

  ?

  (360): View more from Washington

  he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

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  (360): i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man (206): ? (360): he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH! http://tfl.nu/k0fi
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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  (615): so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me http://tfl.nu/hnft
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.

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  (615): His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary. http://tfl.nu/s0bc
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.

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  (412): i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on. http://tfl.nu/zkya
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Pass the awkward sauce please.

  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm drowning in it here

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  (928): My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking. (308): Pass the awkward sauce please. (928): I'm drowning in it here http://tfl.nu/qbnt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  You shut your mouth

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  (313): I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy (1-313): You shut your mouth http://tfl.nu/xp5b
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  (310): View more from California

  Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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  (310): Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready. http://tfl.nu/0n0r
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"

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  (205): it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!" http://tfl.nu/6ypb
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like

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  (302): I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like http://tfl.nu/tmn6
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we didnt even have break up sex...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  you had it for us with someone else...

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  (816): we didnt even have break up sex... (1-816): you had it for us with someone else... http://tfl.nu/e06z
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.

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  (660): I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night. http://tfl.nu/myre
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot

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  (757): Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot http://tfl.nu/bsih
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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  (205): I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers. http://tfl.nu/jlqp
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan

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  (616): this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan http://tfl.nu/llmd
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  (310): View more from California

  Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

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  (310): Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god" http://tfl.nu/2xo4
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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  (740): Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins. http://tfl.nu/qxz4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

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  (412): he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor. http://tfl.nu/z7yu
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

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  (330): I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce.. (1-330): that's the most romantic thing you've ever said. http://tfl.nu/mwxm
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

  (813): View more from Florida

  sounds like you understand them just fine

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  (901): I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money (813): sounds like you understand them just fine http://tfl.nu/0zfp
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?

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  (919): Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus? http://tfl.nu/9yje
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

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  (864): I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen http://tfl.nu/n18y
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.

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  (937): I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something. http://tfl.nu/k1os
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  (954): View more from Florida

  He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals

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  (954): He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals http://tfl.nu/66nw
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So you're taking me there this weekend?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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  (508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu (781): So you're taking me there this weekend? (508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food. http://tfl.nu/y6ju
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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  (973): He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors http://tfl.nu/k8g7
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"

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  (402): apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy" http://tfl.nu/lm9p
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  hooker boots and all?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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  (313): I did the walk of shame to church this morning. (734): hooker boots and all? (313): Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway. http://tfl.nu/9ht9
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad

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  (201): he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad http://tfl.nu/jzas
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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  (304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar http://tfl.nu/3165
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?

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  (402): he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now? http://tfl.nu/i3gk
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

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  (973): UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to. http://tfl.nu/mbqt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.

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  (404): last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy. http://tfl.nu/ky7z
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.

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  (703): I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going. http://tfl.nu/roti
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

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  (416): the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night http://tfl.nu/0qnk
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

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  (205): Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes. http://tfl.nu/ntyj
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  (646): View more from New York

  The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.

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  (646): The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song. http://tfl.nu/nwvh
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

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  (860): im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food. http://tfl.nu/gjjv
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"

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  (603): i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws" http://tfl.nu/3sed
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.

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  (732): You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant. http://tfl.nu/c7ag
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  (424): View more from California

  I'd wear matching sweaters with you

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  (424): I'd wear matching sweaters with you http://tfl.nu/xbhf
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.

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  (732): Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend. http://tfl.nu/3lzx
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  (925): View more from California

  Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.

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  (925): Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor. http://tfl.nu/43q5
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.

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  (303): Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart. http://tfl.nu/j609
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

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  (410): So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right? http://tfl.nu/zwo3
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  (951): View more from California

  I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.

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  (951): I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him. http://tfl.nu/aa9y
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  (561): View more from Florida

  We're facebook friends in real life

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  (561): We're facebook friends in real life http://tfl.nu/e7wr
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  (858): View more from California

  I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

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  (858): I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it. http://tfl.nu/e9ge
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."

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  (850): I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House." http://tfl.nu/nesx
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  (626): View more from California

  Dignity is for republicans.

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  (626): Dignity is for republicans. http://tfl.nu/vkse
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

  (210): View more from Texas

  S P E L L C H E C K

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  No you dumbass thats not right

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  (808): how do you spell 'special'? like slow? (210): S P E L L C H E C K (808): No you dumbass thats not right http://tfl.nu/z6b5
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  is wine microwaveable?

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  (908): is wine microwaveable? http://tfl.nu/o7ks
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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  (252): I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son. http://tfl.nu/kdpy
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  (716): View more from New York

  He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.

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  (716): He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly. http://tfl.nu/0f1o
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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  (803): Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation? http://tfl.nu/0dba
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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  (623): Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN." http://tfl.nu/7rib
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  (561): View more from Florida

  george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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  (561): george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it. http://tfl.nu/x2j0
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I love you

  (720): View more from Colorado

  are you drunk

  (440): View more from Ohio

  yes but I def love you, we should get married

  (720): View more from Colorado

  But I'm Jewish

  (440): View more from Ohio

  embrace Jesus

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  (440): I love you (720): are you drunk (440): yes but I def love you, we should get married (720): But I'm Jewish (440): embrace Jesus http://tfl.nu/v32c
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  oh, you finally did the dishes then?

  (980): View more from North Carolina

  No, bought new ones.

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  (980): I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight. (704): oh, you finally did the dishes then? (980): No, bought new ones. http://tfl.nu/21up
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?

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  (732): is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side? http://tfl.nu/sml7
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.

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  (248): her lazy eye was starring daggers at me. http://tfl.nu/0qd5
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees

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  (423): I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees http://tfl.nu/90bg
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Did someone propose they get off the stage?

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  (312): awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!! (708): Did someone propose they get off the stage? http://tfl.nu/mqed
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"

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  (712): Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me" http://tfl.nu/camp
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You can't be serious.

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  (417): You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right? (573): You can't be serious. http://tfl.nu/cmch
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

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  (215): you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'. (215): we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk. http://tfl.nu/6wc5
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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  (717): You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills. http://tfl.nu/kjxm
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey

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  (479): if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey http://tfl.nu/i09e
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.

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  (540): Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring. http://tfl.nu/sgce
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  All I've ever wanted to do in life is right

  (517): View more from Michigan

  Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

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  (313): All I've ever wanted to do in life is right (517): Maybe you should learn how to spell write first http://tfl.nu/4u4l
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself

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  (864): Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself http://tfl.nu/j8cd
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  (212): View more from New York

  he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

  (718): View more from New York

  He can't hurt my feelings

  (718): View more from New York

  I don't have feelings.

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  (212): he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings (718): He can't hurt my feelings (718): I don't have feelings. http://tfl.nu/gr1o
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  (559): View more from California

  my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.

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  (559): my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment. http://tfl.nu/sp0b
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.

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  (954): Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song. http://tfl.nu/556m
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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  (781): please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again. http://tfl.nu/xtmx
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  (432): View more from Texas

  So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

  (207): View more from Maine

  You need to stop watching Twilight.

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  (432): So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler? (207): You need to stop watching Twilight. http://tfl.nu/oudp
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  (850): View more from Florida

  OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.

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  (850): OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you. http://tfl.nu/hptp
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are

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  (301): I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are http://tfl.nu/5z46
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I murdered the dance floor call the cops

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  (757): I murdered the dance floor call the cops http://tfl.nu/jwsp
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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  (973): I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today? http://tfl.nu/iuhq
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore

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  (781): I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore http://tfl.nu/jp8t
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  What are you wearing to our high school reunion?

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"

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  (404): What are you wearing to our high school reunion? (678): I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?" http://tfl.nu/i3zg
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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  (860): As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. http://tfl.nu/lted
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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  (270): The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned. http://tfl.nu/9j2r
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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  (978): I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism. http://tfl.nu/fmul
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go

  (313): View more from Michigan

  You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf

  (734): View more from Michigan

  They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense

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  (734): I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go (313): You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf (734): They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense http://tfl.nu/1xi8
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.

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  (317): Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband. http://tfl.nu/gy79
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  (949): View more from California

  You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

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  (949): You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept. http://tfl.nu/3n2j
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

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  (662): As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom. http://tfl.nu/d15a
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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  (317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time http://tfl.nu/w7q6
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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  (520): just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon?? http://tfl.nu/c1fp
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?

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  (416): I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL? http://tfl.nu/iaot
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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  (401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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  (954): I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears. http://tfl.nu/6ckb
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  4.

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  (443): How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner? (402): 4. http://tfl.nu/fuje
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  (281): View more from Texas

  How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend

  (936): View more from Texas

  Get a boyfriend

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  (281): How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend (936): Get a boyfriend http://tfl.nu/1049
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