Texts From Last Night · kindofcatchy's Favorites

Sorry kiwiboy hasn't picked any favorites yet.

kindofcatchy's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(+61): View more from Australia

You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.

Fav 6 1493 602
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....

Fav 6 669 1733
share tweet

(925): View more from California

I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.

Fav 1 825 528
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

Fav 7 5688 1451
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.

Fav 8 2309 665
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.

Fav 6 1127 644
share tweet

(337): View more from Louisiana

He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.

Fav 3 1154 718
share tweet

(208): View more from Idaho

Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.

Fav 10 1274 695
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You fed me pizza off a sword last night.

Fav 17 1707 627
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Why does my jaw hurt?

(402): View more from Nebraska

I may have punched you.

Fav 8 2074 821
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.

Fav 4 1255 667
share tweet

(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

Fav 15 14677 1665
share tweet

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

Fav 6 2227 1286
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

Fav 19 7003 1965
share tweet

(760): View more from California

You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker

Fav 3 1340 609
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Why is there broken glass in my purse?

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting

Fav 3 681 1342
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

Fav 10 1955 1157
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

Fav 6 1992 739
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

Fav 5 2319 1479
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...

Fav 3 1671 1147
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

Fav 13 1734 3221
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"

Fav 16 1843 818
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?

Fav 5 1587 601
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls

Fav 4 2840 1002
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You rang?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

Fav 15 2640 1103
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

Fav 3 1188 1640
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

Fav 17 3125 935
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.

Fav 8 1252 686
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

Fav 11 3070 839
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.

Fav 7 2504 1184
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

Fav 25 10038 1433
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.

Fav 16 3561 2259
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

Fav 11 3384 888
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.

Fav 6 804 2162
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

Fav 6 2044 870
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass

Fav 6 2242 975
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

Fav 15 2443 961
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Another day, another engagement, another cat

Fav 1 1236 781
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.

Fav 1 1514 710
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

The problem with that is that my car has been stolen

Fav 3 881 1759
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

Fav 11 4077 1014
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

Fav 5 3707 1016
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

Fav 5 2316 1017
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

Fav 11 1894 4372
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.

Fav 9 2190 964
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

Fav 27 1892 3582
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.

Fav 2 1998 1134
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

Fav 28 4230 1173
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory

Fav 3 3077 1159
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

You pretty much isn't said it

(404): View more from Georgia

Those words don't go together.

Fav 7 2660 1029
share tweet
(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

Fav 14 1129 5691
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN

Fav 12 1737 920
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous

Fav 3 698 1373
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity

Fav 10 1047 1626
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.

Fav 15 2262 838
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.

Fav 6 1091 2149
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

Fav 7 1999 1002
share tweet
(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

Fav 3 3266 961
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

Fav 5 2139 939
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..

Fav 11 1563 4804
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

Fav 13 3796 1150
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

Fav 3 2615 903
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

Fav 5 1604 826
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!

Fav 5 2012 916
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time

Fav 8 1594 740
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.

Fav 12 1794 3139
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You know you think of me naked too

(210): View more from Texas

Not since I found Jesus

Fav 14 1118 1828
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29989 1755
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

Fav 22 1712 961
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?

(816): View more from Missouri

i hope so.

Fav 18 5723 1710
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

Fav 19 7768 1965
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

my secret santa just gave me a pregency test

Fav 20 1544 6655
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

Fav 24 6506 1539
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

Fav 25 7849 1297
share tweet
(714): View more from California

dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"

Fav 39 4248 927
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you

Fav 4 4750 1065
share tweet
(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

Fav 3 3442 831
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.

Fav 5 1823 922
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.

Fav 7 2452 1209
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?

Fav 62 1112 4469
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

Fav 16 2767 3162
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yes and so do I

Fav 47 4668 1388
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

Fav 9 5965 1503
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning

Fav 33 3379 1047
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

Fav 42 10353 2109
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...

Fav 8 1351 1711
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

Fav 18 5012 955
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

Fav 27 4690 1310
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.

Fav 8 828 3029
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.

Fav 37 5011 1144
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".

Fav 3 1565 864
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Holy shittt I don't even have a bf

Fav 3 1152 1429
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

Fav 32 11084 1167
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.

Fav 47 1431 4839
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

Fav 64 20234 1835
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

this weekend will be like the season finale to my life

Fav 22 4379 1157
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

Fav 5 2259 787
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...

Fav 3 1177 1024
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

Fav 25 7351 1499
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.

Fav 27 4556 1256
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.

Fav 13 1583 1222
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

Fav 4 2051 788
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

Fav 38 2019 7671
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.

Fav 21 815 3200
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

Fav 17 6731 1440
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on

Fav 24 5005 914
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

Fav 21 1553 940
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.

Fav 9 1120 2236
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

Fav 16 4601 1115
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.

Fav 7 3327 1066
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes

Fav 5 2076 854
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

Fav 39 4571 5723
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"

Fav 14 6036 1029
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wrong number and your a loser

Fav 33 1651 8905
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

Fav 8 2512 879
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools

Fav 10 4315 1068
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

Fav 9 3622 1526
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

Fav 12 6611 1220
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

Fav 5 2951 994
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.

Fav 8 2014 1002
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

Fav 14 2633 1444
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice

Fav 5 1729 1010
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

Fav 12 3158 1044
share tweet
(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

Fav 18 2851 1040
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking

Fav 49 1703 4356
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

Fav 11 5005 1139
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

Fav 58 8561 2273
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.

Fav 8 1197 3272
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather

Fav 17 1848 816
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.

Fav 7 1751 913
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.

Fav 13 1735 4166
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

Fav 38 9129 1253
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours

Fav 27 6567 1947
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"

Fav 4 1458 1008
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!

Fav 15 2055 755
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

Fav 11 2539 914
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember. Are we still dating?

Fav 21 1567 5739
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"

(1-513): View more from Ohio

You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.

Fav 30 993 1960
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.

Fav 4 2727 1094
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.

Fav 88 4244 1198
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

Fav 10 1994 1068
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I think about you every night.

(1-281): View more from Texas

I'm sorry.

Fav 14 1027 2513
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.

(513): View more from Ohio

I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.

Fav 17 988 1875
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market

Fav 1 1055 1168
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

Fav 63 8919 1171
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way

Fav 7 1413 848
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

Fav 110 9833 2582
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

Fav 388 41773 4646
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards

Fav 4 1083 1268
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

Fav 16 4147 2147
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more

Fav 2 884 2098
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

Fav 33 11290 1218
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.

Fav 52 4984 1024
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.

Fav 11 2348 862
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

Fav 5 5724 1384
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

Fav 29 8742 1195
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

Fav 7 2577 882
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7464 2731
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers

Fav 10 1792 1179
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

Fav 13 5575 1711
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

Fav 25 7629 1815
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT

Fav 93 7829 1966
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

Fav 11 3064 822
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.

Fav 15 1355 2547
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.

Fav 10 999 2511
share tweet
(916): View more from California

So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

Fav 9 2601 1346
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her

(1-320): View more from Minnesota

that's how i am about ashleys and britneys

Fav 61 1546 2134
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight

Fav 17 3356 1231
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

Fav 15 4455 1213
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

Fav 23 5252 1282
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

Fav 18 7786 1470
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.

Fav 58 9823 1360
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts

Fav 20 3266 802
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann

(803): View more from South Carolina

honey you're def caucasian

(704): View more from North Carolina

i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z

Fav 4 1954 870
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man

(206): View more from Washington

?

(360): View more from Washington

he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!

Fav 27 4538 1136
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

Fav 47 1588 3273
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.

Fav 15 1033 5319
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.

Fav 13 4108 947
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.

(308): View more from Nebraska

Pass the awkward sauce please.

(928): View more from Arizona

I'm drowning in it here

Fav 4 1859 1283
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy

(1-313): View more from Michigan

You shut your mouth

Fav 34 1861 1059
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

Fav 16 7405 1048
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"

Fav 14 2701 993
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like

Fav 25 961 2447
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

Fav 18 2286 7087
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.

Fav 3 3290 1463
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot

Fav 6 1409 905
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

Fav 21 7512 1781
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan

Fav 37 4212 1833
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

Fav 10 4677 1173
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

Fav 39 8879 1602
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.

Fav 36 11823 1953
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

Fav 12 2046 888
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

(813): View more from Florida

sounds like you understand them just fine

Fav 10 2108 1147
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?

Fav 22 1053 4292
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

Fav 34 7190 1774
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.

Fav 22 852 5473
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals

Fav 59 3926 3353
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

Fav 35 7959 1470
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

Fav 8 5840 2296
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"

Fav 20 5670 1059
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

(734): View more from Michigan

hooker boots and all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

Fav 14 7551 1355
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad

Fav 40 974 4550
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

Fav 19 4201 1202
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

Fav 355 8567 49743
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?

Fav 23 1233 8295
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

Fav 26 6233 1623
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.

Fav 12 1295 5480
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.

Fav 45 2243 5241
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32308 1628
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

Fav 77 8190 4876
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

Fav 9 2835 973
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.

Fav 87 4427 1378
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

Fav 29 1492 5649
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"

Fav 3 3562 1411
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.

Fav 23 3479 842
share tweet
(424): View more from California

I'd wear matching sweaters with you

Fav 3 2759 1703
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.

Fav 20 1316 4564
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.

Fav 24 5592 1870
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.

Fav 9 1821 4633
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

Fav 15 3217 1516
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.

Fav 34 3784 5585
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

We're facebook friends in real life

Fav 2 1193 1250
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

Fav 26 2356 3205
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."

Fav 17 3133 1140
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

Fav 39 5243 1932
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

Fav 14 3683 1260
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

is wine microwaveable?

Fav 24 1122 5579
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

Fav 27 8572 1894
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.

Fav 5 1098 1706
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

Fav 15 5235 2121
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

Fav 13 3294 1574
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

Fav 159 6423 2441
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

Fav 9 3505 1160
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

Fav 48 8036 1682
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?

Fav 97 1210 2818
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.

Fav 17 979 3586
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees

Fav 8 2866 1212
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!

(708): View more from Illinois

Did someone propose they get off the stage?

Fav 15 2619 865
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"

Fav 5 796 1177
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

(573): View more from Missouri

You can't be serious.

Fav 58 3659 1014
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.

Fav 28 7140 1237
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

Fav 9 2091 1070
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey

Fav 16 1358 2621
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.

Fav 18 1325 3725
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

All I've ever wanted to do in life is right

(517): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

Fav 19 1077 1632
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself

Fav 66 7098 1507
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

(718): View more from New York

He can't hurt my feelings

(718): View more from New York

I don't have feelings.

Fav 4 2539 1085
share tweet
(559): View more from California

my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.

Fav 20 4033 1118
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.

Fav 16 4406 1452
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

Fav 9 5252 1193
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

Fav 48 1643 1833
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.

Fav 11 1195 3898
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are

Fav 15 6679 1105
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I murdered the dance floor call the cops

Fav 14 2635 974
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

Fav 9 4845 1295
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore

Fav 19 1156 4379
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

What are you wearing to our high school reunion?

(678): View more from Georgia

I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"

Fav 27 4753 809
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Fav 104 9039 1647
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

Fav 30 5884 4006
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

Fav 15 6193 1810
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go

(313): View more from Michigan

You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf

(734): View more from Michigan

They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense

Fav 2 1723 914
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.

Fav 10 2247 1077
share tweet
(949): View more from California

You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

Fav 15 3288 936
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

Fav 15 2612 1161
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

Fav 13 8046 1484
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

Fav 33 11103 1398
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?

Fav 17 1967 2905
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

Fav 35 8949 1842
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

Fav 14 5365 1424
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?

(402): View more from Nebraska

4.

Fav 15 3540 977
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend

(936): View more from Texas

Get a boyfriend

Fav 3 922 1241
share tweet