You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think about you every night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We're facebook friends in real life
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dignity is for republicans.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
is wine microwaveable?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend