Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
cat food counts as protein by the way
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i think my tv is drunk
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I told you penises don't tan
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw