Texts From Last Night

dimicks's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

  (226): View more from Ontario

  did I at least say anything...

  (519): View more from Ontario

  you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom... (226): did I at least say anything... (519): you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living http://tfl.nu/vjjh
  Replies (6) Good night (1802) Bad night (248)
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  She's got a legit dose of dude going on

  (240): View more from Maryland

  No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden (202): She's got a legit dose of dude going on (240): No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne. http://tfl.nu/qro2
  Replies (6) Good night (820) Bad night (1713)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake http://tfl.nu/7ejr
  Replies (6) Good night (2144) Bad night (238) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober? http://tfl.nu/gl6q
  Replies (3) Good night (789) Bad night (204) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying http://tfl.nu/bo49
  Replies (6) Good night (858) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever http://tfl.nu/7j84
  Replies (22) Good night (2954) Bad night (302)
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon. http://tfl.nu/foxi
  Replies (5) Good night (1371) Bad night (221) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

  (408): View more from California

  Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

  (1-408): View more from California

  I approve this so hard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon. (408): Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly (1-408): I approve this so hard. http://tfl.nu/8gh1
  Replies (4) Good night (1095) Bad night (207)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover. http://tfl.nu/wwf5
  Replies (14) Good night (1196) Bad night (397)
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board. http://tfl.nu/zly7
  Replies (4) Good night (819) Bad night (387) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout. http://tfl.nu/bypz
  Replies (3) Good night (684) Bad night (204) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee. http://tfl.nu/d96h
  Replies (2) Good night (772) Bad night (174) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  Do you have paint?

  (727): View more from Florida

  Paint? I wish

  (727): View more from Florida

  OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): Do you have paint? (727): Paint? I wish (727): OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING http://tfl.nu/qyml
  Replies (2) Good night (757) Bad night (234)
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I care about my drink far more than her feelings

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink (815): I care about my drink far more than her feelings http://tfl.nu/v6if
  Replies (3) Good night (1375) Bad night (239)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven http://tfl.nu/y2y3
  Replies (3) Good night (693) Bad night (214) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome. http://tfl.nu/egsw
  Replies (12) Good night (911) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever. http://tfl.nu/asbh
  Replies (3) Good night (1174) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married. http://tfl.nu/tr6n
  Replies (13) Good night (851) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara. http://tfl.nu/7g4h
  Replies (0) Good night (254) Bad night (499) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god http://tfl.nu/k2hb
  Replies (7) Good night (1409) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building. http://tfl.nu/icp2
  Replies (5) Good night (403) Bad night (529) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS. http://tfl.nu/mje4
  Replies (0) Good night (1509) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  started my period, we have to try again next week

  (1-770): View more from Georgia

  if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): started my period, we have to try again next week (1-770): if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint http://tfl.nu/4qkj
  Replies (11) Good night (1314) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting. http://tfl.nu/uwdf
  Replies (1) Good night (952) Bad night (445)
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo. http://tfl.nu/ryca
  Replies (3) Good night (1007) Bad night (211) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me (815): I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs http://tfl.nu/bc51
  Replies (2) Good night (1767) Bad night (239)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again. http://tfl.nu/4d1q
  Replies (6) Good night (1099) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.

  (917): View more from New York City

  what ever happened to our old dealer?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day. (917): what ever happened to our old dealer? http://tfl.nu/28sz
  Replies (1) Good night (2262) Bad night (802)
• Favorite

  (772): View more from Florida

  The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (772): The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person http://tfl.nu/qxco
  Replies (1) Good night (758) Bad night (324)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits http://tfl.nu/2zgj
  Replies (4) Good night (917) Bad night (218) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that. http://tfl.nu/dkkg
  Replies (3) Good night (562) Bad night (191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong http://tfl.nu/3qt9
  Replies (2) Good night (619) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized. http://tfl.nu/g02p
  Replies (3) Good night (806) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life. http://tfl.nu/0u64
  Replies (9) Good night (666) Bad night (233)
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp. http://tfl.nu/u9b9
  Replies (0) Good night (536) Bad night (210) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects. http://tfl.nu/vyxz
  Replies (2) Good night (634) Bad night (224) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk.. http://tfl.nu/mdzo
  Replies (5) Good night (669) Bad night (320) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS? http://tfl.nu/pnaa
  Replies (6) Good night (919) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name. http://tfl.nu/wgo9
  Replies (7) Good night (407) Bad night (1528) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

  (512): View more from Texas

  This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it (1-512): We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream... (512): This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life. http://tfl.nu/ar28
  Replies (5) Good night (2565) Bad night (313)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife. http://tfl.nu/3hkr
  Replies (7) Good night (1156) Bad night (415) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  "just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): "just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk. http://tfl.nu/ji17
  Replies (6) Good night (830) Bad night (359)
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time.... http://tfl.nu/fwcj
  Replies (11) Good night (1887) Bad night (259)
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace? http://tfl.nu/t8sy
  Replies (13) Good night (2284) Bad night (242) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot. http://tfl.nu/25dg
  Replies (9) Good night (847) Bad night (354) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water? http://tfl.nu/897n
  Replies (2) Good night (1013) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head. http://tfl.nu/rwbn
  Replies (11) Good night (2476) Bad night (348) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing. http://tfl.nu/k9wn
  Replies (9) Good night (993) Bad night (220) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup. http://tfl.nu/9ulw
  Replies (7) Good night (391) Bad night (1845) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now. http://tfl.nu/42b8
  Replies (7) Good night (2586) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS! http://tfl.nu/o380
  Replies (49) Good night (3050) Bad night (5015) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out. http://tfl.nu/48b9
  Replies (17) Good night (2052) Bad night (853) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (785): View more from Kansas

  My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (785): My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real http://tfl.nu/x4mj
  Replies (3) Good night (2039) Bad night (240) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right? http://tfl.nu/i5oh
  Replies (1) Good night (945) Bad night (228) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me. http://tfl.nu/37lj
  Replies (2) Good night (426) Bad night (712) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr http://tfl.nu/3ptr
  Replies (3) Good night (792) Bad night (212)
• Favorite

  (835): View more from Pennsylvania

  You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (835): You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood" http://tfl.nu/u3xk
  Replies (2) Good night (1152) Bad night (259) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here http://tfl.nu/t56p
  Replies (1) Good night (238) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/lhd6
  Replies (0) Good night (1109) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (712): View more from Iowa

  He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (712): He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge. http://tfl.nu/wcqn
  Replies (3) Good night (407) Bad night (754) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore. http://tfl.nu/httm
  Replies (1) Good night (1063) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two. http://tfl.nu/vi4s
  Replies (11) Good night (372) Bad night (784)
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte http://tfl.nu/jlfx
  Replies (3) Good night (743) Bad night (201) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes. http://tfl.nu/b90a
  Replies (1) Good night (971) Bad night (257) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles. http://tfl.nu/jjec
  Replies (6) Good night (1327) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA http://tfl.nu/6u80
  Replies (5) Good night (808) Bad night (326)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help. http://tfl.nu/kqwe
  Replies (5) Good night (985) Bad night (493)
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long... http://tfl.nu/8iqc
  Replies (4) Good night (268) Bad night (1157) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love. http://tfl.nu/5dr3
  Replies (6) Good night (1511) Bad night (299) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd. http://tfl.nu/1o4y
  Replies (18) Good night (2413) Bad night (291)
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night. (1-206): That is the scariest sentence I have ever read. http://tfl.nu/zqtn
  Replies (6) Good night (1483) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (219): View more from Indiana

  N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (219): N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever.. http://tfl.nu/4w8h
  Replies (4) Good night (408) Bad night (693)
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail http://tfl.nu/x9sf
  Replies (2) Good night (856) Bad night (272) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

  (530): View more from California

  I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy (530): I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast http://tfl.nu/lbbf
  Replies (11) Good night (3052) Bad night (409)
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride. http://tfl.nu/ze4c
  Replies (4) Good night (2428) Bad night (1520) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up. http://tfl.nu/8mdh
  Replies (4) Good night (3365) Bad night (669) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else. http://tfl.nu/cpkz
  Replies (11) Good night (3343) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult http://tfl.nu/exna
  Replies (8) Good night (1870) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man. http://tfl.nu/iiq1
  Replies (5) Good night (1604) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all http://tfl.nu/abyi
  Replies (5) Good night (1060) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away. http://tfl.nu/ufa3
  Replies (10) Good night (4824) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today. (773): I'm not sure which feat is more impressive... http://tfl.nu/ga4t
  Replies (2) Good night (1389) Bad night (401)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess. http://tfl.nu/ade3
  Replies (9) Good night (1206) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick http://tfl.nu/smiy
  Replies (7) Good night (1680) Bad night (315)
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex http://tfl.nu/ohy9
  Replies (13) Good night (1931) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger. http://tfl.nu/yx75
  Replies (13) Good night (2300) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub? http://tfl.nu/jp28
  Replies (5) Good night (2064) Bad night (699) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind. http://tfl.nu/avf5
  Replies (6) Good night (3853) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes? http://tfl.nu/3emh
  Replies (4) Good night (1116) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns http://tfl.nu/45lv
  Replies (10) Good night (1452) Bad night (326) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal. http://tfl.nu/so63
  Replies (21) Good night (6781) Bad night (604)
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I think the camel was justified in biting me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I think the camel was justified in biting me. http://tfl.nu/yr0l
  Replies (8) Good night (1565) Bad night (539) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero. http://tfl.nu/6a8a
  Replies (10) Good night (3375) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again. http://tfl.nu/9aen
  Replies (10) Good night (3522) Bad night (1191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME. http://tfl.nu/dxkz
  Replies (20) Good night (1002) Bad night (3800)
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/rb31
  Replies (7) Good night (1000) Bad night (449)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death. http://tfl.nu/ogc4
  Replies (9) Good night (1834) Bad night (321)
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body http://tfl.nu/4g9m
  Replies (3) Good night (864) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?

  (1-715): View more from Wisconsin

  Probably

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment? (1-715): Probably http://tfl.nu/g5lc
  Replies (2) Good night (1219) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me?? http://tfl.nu/2sh7
  Replies (6) Good night (1658) Bad night (502) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life. http://tfl.nu/z2vn
  Replies (6) Good night (1728) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  do we own a ladder

  (206): View more from Washington

  We do not.

  (360): View more from Washington

  then how am i on the roof

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): do we own a ladder (206): We do not. (360): then how am i on the roof http://tfl.nu/xqbq
  Replies (18) Good night (5436) Bad night (499)
• Favorite

  (956): View more from Texas

  Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (956): Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life http://tfl.nu/cpkm
  Replies (12) Good night (2006) Bad night (519) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants. http://tfl.nu/qi2o
  Replies (5) Good night (1854) Bad night (1021) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.

  (1-818): View more from California

  And this was for your brother's Christening?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons. (1-818): And this was for your brother's Christening? http://tfl.nu/dxaq
  Replies (9) Good night (3507) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms. http://tfl.nu/onlr
  Replies (5) Good night (1850) Bad night (316)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/6mha
  Replies (6) Good night (1370) Bad night (319) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (580): And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities. http://tfl.nu/eu72
  Replies (10) Good night (2729) Bad night (647) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday. http://tfl.nu/lawx
  Replies (14) Good night (2949) Bad night (893) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
  Replies (67) Good night (12667) Bad night (2168) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.

  (1-925): View more from California

  If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often. (1-925): If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough. http://tfl.nu/t59l
  Replies (1) Good night (1457) Bad night (657)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused. http://tfl.nu/3089
  Replies (14) Good night (2449) Bad night (594) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted. http://tfl.nu/wdy8
  Replies (6) Good night (1410) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday? http://tfl.nu/psur
  Replies (5) Good night (2995) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me http://tfl.nu/mnmv
  Replies (5) Good night (2449) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): This is the weirdest negotiation ever. (814): This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue. http://tfl.nu/rt97
  Replies (1) Good night (1874) Bad night (457)
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex http://tfl.nu/xtt5
  Replies (20) Good night (3293) Bad night (1099) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead. http://tfl.nu/ixsn
  Replies (3) Good night (2421) Bad night (787) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night http://tfl.nu/c70m
  Replies (27) Good night (2284) Bad night (1131) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (520): View more from Arizona

  When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.

  (1-520): View more from Arizona

  Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (520): When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well. (1-520): Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand. http://tfl.nu/cdsz
  Replies (1) Good night (1887) Bad night (771)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke. http://tfl.nu/ckis
  Replies (2) Good night (682) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts... http://tfl.nu/vjl2
  Replies (5) Good night (2026) Bad night (450) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife http://tfl.nu/h9mg
  Replies (9) Good night (2250) Bad night (1473) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party. http://tfl.nu/kjr7
  Replies (6) Good night (3483) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (210): View more from Texas

  I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (210): I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers. http://tfl.nu/eiw9
  Replies (8) Good night (1608) Bad night (537) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch. http://tfl.nu/4axa
  Replies (6) Good night (2962) Bad night (425)
• Favorite

  (254): View more from Texas

  His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (254): His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!! http://tfl.nu/05kd
  Replies (15) Good night (4715) Bad night (1561) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life. http://tfl.nu/7ulw
  Replies (15) Good night (780) Bad night (2688)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots". http://tfl.nu/6unx
  Replies (10) Good night (2341) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.." http://tfl.nu/uij4
  Replies (2) Good night (3675) Bad night (674)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you. http://tfl.nu/ose0
  Replies (3) Good night (746) Bad night (3013)
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke? http://tfl.nu/5pf6
  Replies (13) Good night (728) Bad night (1001) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  He's yummy.

  (613): View more from Ontario

  HE'S GAY. AND 40.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Irrelevant.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): He's yummy. (613): HE'S GAY. AND 40. (802): Irrelevant. http://tfl.nu/3zsj
  Replies (9) Good night (2018) Bad night (833)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW. http://tfl.nu/ohwe
  Replies (25) Good night (6445) Bad night (928) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!! http://tfl.nu/92wz
  Replies (2) Good night (1383) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

  (1-916): View more from California

  Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat. (1-916): Can we laminate it? Just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/1wiq
  Replies (4) Good night (2425) Bad night (403)
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce. http://tfl.nu/g2ub
  Replies (4) Good night (3240) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me http://tfl.nu/g324
  Replies (4) Good night (480) Bad night (267) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner." http://tfl.nu/q4fy
  Replies (16) Good night (2492) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (573): View more from Missouri

  I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.

  (573): View more from Missouri

  Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (573): I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days. (573): Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven. http://tfl.nu/oqxt
  Replies (7) Good night (1095) Bad night (478)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Vodka shot parachutes

  (265): View more from

  Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): Vodka shot parachutes (265): Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room http://tfl.nu/h39d
  Replies (3) Good night (1184) Bad night (466)
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished http://tfl.nu/zdpg
  Replies (5) Good night (709) Bad night (322) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?

  (810): View more from Michigan

  shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone? (810): shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you http://tfl.nu/u0b0
  Replies (13) Good night (2244) Bad night (587)
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink http://tfl.nu/w6xd
  Replies (5) Good night (1713) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of. http://tfl.nu/md9p
  Replies (21) Good night (1346) Bad night (2214) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (763): Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue http://tfl.nu/sfb5
  Replies (4) Good night (3419) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises http://tfl.nu/ccm4
  Replies (4) Good night (1532) Bad night (852)
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer http://tfl.nu/er6w
  Replies (4) Good night (568) Bad night (1131) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know http://tfl.nu/1326
  Replies (5) Good night (1314) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone. http://tfl.nu/jz14
  Replies (19) Good night (3615) Bad night (1388) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw
  Replies (8) Good night (4907) Bad night (1732) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us. http://tfl.nu/iw4a
  Replies (5) Good night (3057) Bad night (739) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving http://tfl.nu/p7rm
  Replies (18) Good night (1963) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (506): I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again. http://tfl.nu/wsg3
  Replies (2) Good night (954) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. http://tfl.nu/cgk3
  Replies (8) Good night (3205) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker. http://tfl.nu/28bg
  Replies (18) Good night (6419) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone? http://tfl.nu/d362
  Replies (8) Good night (1459) Bad night (2423) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys. http://tfl.nu/t4sn
  Replies (6) Good night (984) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone. http://tfl.nu/1pr2
  Replies (9) Good night (4014) Bad night (621) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?' http://tfl.nu/9wvu
  Replies (6) Good night (1107) Bad night (263)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible. http://tfl.nu/efx0
  Replies (5) Good night (1209) Bad night (210) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

  (1-716): View more from New York

  Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed. (1-716): Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money http://tfl.nu/8jhe
  Replies (8) Good night (2599) Bad night (287)
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker http://tfl.nu/4xt0
  Replies (6) Good night (1000) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT http://tfl.nu/uxt5
  Replies (11) Good night (507) Bad night (1955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Is this an intervention?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina" (678): Is this an intervention? http://tfl.nu/de9f
  Replies (3) Good night (883) Bad night (277)
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion" http://tfl.nu/w9if
  Replies (11) Good night (2212) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good. http://tfl.nu/6ter
  Replies (12) Good night (559) Bad night (335) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life http://tfl.nu/4nsr
  Replies (6) Good night (754) Bad night (326) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  that's how you measure success

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): that's how you measure success (1-401): By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday? http://tfl.nu/varj
  Replies (7) Good night (1119) Bad night (286)
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread. http://tfl.nu/6f5w
  Replies (28) Good night (4088) Bad night (1277) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you http://tfl.nu/o2s0
  Replies (10) Good night (1453) Bad night (3306) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (870): She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her? http://tfl.nu/qt09
  Replies (3) Good night (1439) Bad night (227) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened... http://tfl.nu/z902
  Replies (6) Good night (591) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes. http://tfl.nu/vcco
  Replies (6) Good night (904) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/m2hu
  Replies (11) Good night (3183) Bad night (353) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning http://tfl.nu/lha0
  Replies (3) Good night (1259) Bad night (273) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm http://tfl.nu/amcj
  Replies (4) Good night (359) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you... http://tfl.nu/j9so
  Replies (11) Good night (2281) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast? http://tfl.nu/o6g0
  Replies (8) Good night (1053) Bad night (2973)
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out http://tfl.nu/zt8v
  Replies (3) Good night (1584) Bad night (372) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight.... http://tfl.nu/1kod
  Replies (9) Good night (834) Bad night (1325) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right? http://tfl.nu/7voc
  Replies (31) Good night (3728) Bad night (1041) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card http://tfl.nu/zhem
  Replies (7) Good night (2610) Bad night (1096) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever http://tfl.nu/r55b
  Replies (9) Good night (1196) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK. http://tfl.nu/7sxv
  Replies (9) Good night (6514) Bad night (984) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (256): View more from Alabama

  It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (256): It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.. http://tfl.nu/zyk4
  Replies (9) Good night (2458) Bad night (998) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked http://tfl.nu/oens
  Replies (7) Good night (2822) Bad night (856) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.

  (1-631): View more from New York

  I love your life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad. (1-631): I love your life. http://tfl.nu/sy8e
  Replies (10) Good night (1683) Bad night (419)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain? http://tfl.nu/gohm
  Replies (10) Good night (2417) Bad night (950) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd http://tfl.nu/3aq9
  Replies (5) Good night (2468) Bad night (1100) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+04): View more from

  Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.

  (1+04): View more from

  I hate Sailor Jerry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+04): Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles. (1+04): I hate Sailor Jerry. http://tfl.nu/k3xc
  Replies (11) Good night (1746) Bad night (669)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex http://tfl.nu/eas7
  Replies (18) Good night (1624) Bad night (1922) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love.. http://tfl.nu/9pu8
  Replies (19) Good night (5081) Bad night (1031) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights. http://tfl.nu/c1hf
  Replies (5) Good night (1503) Bad night (1136) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway. http://tfl.nu/fbtk
  Replies (13) Good night (3331) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss. http://tfl.nu/wyge
  Replies (12) Good night (4167) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?

  (325): View more from Texas

  Jail. That could go wrong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong? (325): Jail. That could go wrong. http://tfl.nu/f51a
  Replies (5) Good night (2056) Bad night (596)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss. http://tfl.nu/x43e
  Replies (11) Good night (4047) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok? http://tfl.nu/nera
  Replies (19) Good night (4344) Bad night (781) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
  Replies (13) Good night (7787) Bad night (950) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me. http://tfl.nu/nrl0
  Replies (11) Good night (1392) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Can vaginas get frostbite?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Can vaginas get frostbite? http://tfl.nu/ne3s
  Replies (12) Good night (339) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate. http://tfl.nu/2ksi
  Replies (7) Good night (1451) Bad night (263)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night? http://tfl.nu/gjwh
  Replies (5) Good night (297) Bad night (1195) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome. http://tfl.nu/9uj2
  Replies (9) Good night (1390) Bad night (427)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence. http://tfl.nu/jsvt
  Replies (9) Good night (897) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you http://tfl.nu/ff5c
  Replies (8) Good night (1283) Bad night (223) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die http://tfl.nu/4ks9
  Replies (18) Good night (1087) Bad night (4738) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country. http://tfl.nu/6o4g
  Replies (16) Good night (903) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W http://tfl.nu/om4e
  Replies (3) Good night (442) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed. http://tfl.nu/ahym
  Replies (4) Good night (1722) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me http://tfl.nu/zwz8
  Replies (7) Good night (557) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you http://tfl.nu/uk7y
  Replies (9) Good night (1237) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong http://tfl.nu/3blf
  Replies (10) Good night (4160) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car. http://tfl.nu/1mzx
  Replies (50) Good night (7764) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+64): I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable. http://tfl.nu/t0un
  Replies (4) Good night (2228) Bad night (933) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence. http://tfl.nu/pvbz
  Replies (11) Good night (5167) Bad night (645)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week http://tfl.nu/fflq
  Replies (5) Good night (3018) Bad night (740) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me? http://tfl.nu/cdq0
  Replies (18) Good night (3879) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is." http://tfl.nu/8j8j
  Replies (34) Good night (5640) Bad night (1183) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it. http://tfl.nu/gqru
  Replies (4) Good night (613) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning http://tfl.nu/kk2v
  Replies (6) Good night (1072) Bad night (314) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them http://tfl.nu/lutq
  Replies (8) Good night (434) Bad night (256) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology. http://tfl.nu/e8xh
  Replies (8) Good night (3647) Bad night (490)
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible. http://tfl.nu/qot7
  Replies (31) Good night (10042) Bad night (1018) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak? http://tfl.nu/m53g
  Replies (15) Good night (1445) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (802): I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it http://tfl.nu/32uz
  Replies (4) Good night (1033) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS. http://tfl.nu/gw0q
  Replies (21) Good night (3067) Bad night (648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night. http://tfl.nu/r0y8
  Replies (11) Good night (1044) Bad night (311) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way http://tfl.nu/a69v
  Replies (13) Good night (1590) Bad night (705) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up. http://tfl.nu/qg7h
  Replies (11) Good night (2309) Bad night (763) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (985): My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong. http://tfl.nu/gho7
  Replies (7) Good night (1010) Bad night (383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids. http://tfl.nu/dauy
  Replies (5) Good night (1142) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID http://tfl.nu/jlhh
  Replies (3) Good night (895) Bad night (302) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick. http://tfl.nu/jiew
  Replies (9) Good night (1773) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face http://tfl.nu/s45z
  Replies (2) Good night (3277) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards. http://tfl.nu/fq92
  Replies (8) Good night (1539) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa. http://tfl.nu/kz18
  Replies (3) Good night (1793) Bad night (454)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished. http://tfl.nu/d04x
  Replies (12) Good night (4964) Bad night (392) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY. http://tfl.nu/5vxl
  Replies (7) Good night (2828) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox. http://tfl.nu/wyx0
  Replies (18) Good night (1200) Bad night (3483) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine. http://tfl.nu/qt1j
  Replies (12) Good night (2428) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence http://tfl.nu/sug8
  Replies (15) Good night (2774) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over http://tfl.nu/j0uq
  Replies (5) Good night (1697) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (484): the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished. http://tfl.nu/p2b9
  Replies (7) Good night (5250) Bad night (823) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line. http://tfl.nu/f42j
  Replies (2) Good night (1718) Bad night (479) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-) http://tfl.nu/n299
  Replies (8) Good night (1856) Bad night (475)
• Favorite

  (616): View more from Michigan

  She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (616): She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday http://tfl.nu/c1kw
  Replies (5) Good night (1058) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there. http://tfl.nu/q6gx
  Replies (30) Good night (4928) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them http://tfl.nu/vjhk
  Replies (13) Good night (4443) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho http://tfl.nu/j100
  Replies (3) Good night (2797) Bad night (1143) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool... http://tfl.nu/os9w
  Replies (14) Good night (4932) Bad night (1446) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter. http://tfl.nu/b2tf
  Replies (4) Good night (2507) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok http://tfl.nu/vgre
  Replies (7) Good night (1957) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

  (940): View more from Texas

  Deal.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass. (940): Deal. http://tfl.nu/ji2y
  Replies (14) Good night (2770) Bad night (510)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  You're gonna judge me.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Howd you sleep with him already

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): You're gonna judge me. (303): Howd you sleep with him already http://tfl.nu/qfz4
  Replies (9) Good night (1863) Bad night (375)
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive? http://tfl.nu/hm3a
  Replies (2) Good night (2154) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you http://tfl.nu/813g
  Replies (23) Good night (4161) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses http://tfl.nu/b9lj
  Replies (1) Good night (1313) Bad night (1045)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god http://tfl.nu/tl6y
  Replies (12) Good night (978) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass http://tfl.nu/xapu
  Replies (7) Good night (846) Bad night (277) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket. (1-651): It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm. http://tfl.nu/ei3h
  Replies (8) Good night (2177) Bad night (239)