we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.