Texts From Last Night · trauma's Favorites

trauma's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

Fav 26 7918 1643
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

Fav 40 10290 1536
share tweet

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

Fav 42 12882 1695
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

Fav 34 1823 4821
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(510): View more from California

I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college

Fav 22 1757 6305
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

Fav 14 2445 8031
share tweet

(289): View more from Ontario

he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went

Fav 35 1343 8864
share tweet

(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

Fav 36 1535 8857
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

Fav 12 6402 1279
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(702): View more from Nevada

Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.

Fav 7 4163 1072
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

Fav 31 11100 1626
share tweet

(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

Fav 11 7924 1580
share tweet

(505): View more from New Mexico

We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

Fav 10 5103 1446
share tweet
(510): View more from California

ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!

Fav 7 3765 1288
share tweet

(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

Fav 16 2228 5287
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...

Fav 10 1135 5036
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.

Fav 23 4989 1363
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles

Fav 16 5643 1258
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.

Fav 12 1013 4510
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

Fav 12 1983 3783
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

Fav 8 5429 1469
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

Fav 8 6406 1419
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

Fav 15 4652 1511
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

Fav 6 7465 1292
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

Fav 55 27828 2972
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27580 2039
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

Fav 61 29234 1742
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

Fav 84 28655 1668
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

Fav 413 27018 4048
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

Fav 80 32304 1626
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

Fav 40 29366 1551
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

Fav 58 27723 1893
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

Fav 69 28519 2185
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

Fav 77 28624 2258
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

Fav 60 25368 2233
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

Fav 166 29077 3214
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

Fav 54 28406 3195
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31762 1915
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

Fav 35 30639 1936
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

Fav 41 32279 1495
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

Fav 157 32500 1780
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

Fav 41 39277 2238
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32822 1972
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38252 5876
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

Fav 110 34538 1817
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

Fav 22 29933 1589
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

Fav 43 29388 1934
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

Fav 92 33671 2306
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

Fav 131 32853 3006
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37315 1623
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

Fav 98 33308 1774
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

Fav 111 40357 3922
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38161 2301
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40091 2213
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

Fav 106 39922 2446
share tweet
(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

Fav 216 35065 2916
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

Fav 29 34806 1712
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

Fav 86 39692 2408
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

Fav 84 32217 2438
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42072 2245
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

Fav 118 39402 1935
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

Fav 79 39332 2226
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

Fav 125 44232 1932
share tweet
(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

Fav 74 42080 1692
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48816 2420
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

Fav 69 39784 2521
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

Fav 100 39351 1768
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

Fav 117 48525 2761
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Fav 205 41510 3925
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

Fav 109 41375 2660
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

Fav 185 53785 3100
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

Fav 206 46784 4628
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53648 6691
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

Fav 134 45576 2412
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53244 2384
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45410 2754
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

Fav 50 49688 1930
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

Fav 111 47664 3210
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

Fav 97 45277 2185
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

Fav 63 59901 1925
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

Fav 48 49303 2809
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53559 2638
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53707 3598
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

Fav 87 53638 3888
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

Fav 79 54003 2791
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53077 3391
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

Fav 362 61935 8168
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

Fav 388 41767 4643
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

Fav 139 45449 10184
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

Fav 118 46237 4277
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

Fav 190 59114 5673
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

Fav 131 63484 2871
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

Fav 54 75092 3007
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55469 5254
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76370 3425
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67656 4390
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67823 4682
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

Fav 206 89707 8269
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88704 9676
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Fav 179 88545 4078
share tweet
(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

Fav 304 104240 6820
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

Fav 167 92786 4893
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115812 11194
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

Fav 414 106491 10564
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

Fav 127 131148 3911
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

Fav 204 120240 4352
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146087 10743
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137213 6907
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

Fav 388 131986 5197
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

Fav 509 178642 8178
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.

Fav 14 4461 1258
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

Fav 12 5829 1633
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

Fav 17 5432 1538
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

Fav 8 4054 1639
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...

Fav 18 5288 1345
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

Fav 10 6004 1993
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving

Fav 19 1459 3983
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

Fav 9 5175 1414
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

Fav 9 5425 1734
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

Fav 17 6044 1654
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

Fav 24 6699 1623
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat

Fav 29 1495 4501
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.

Fav 8 1429 4337
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

Fav 24 7449 2456
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

Fav 22 2164 6197
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4802 10319
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

Fav 30 7828 3208
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

Fav 13 7178 1235
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

(917): View more from New York City

Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

Fav 11 9631 1517
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17985 2068
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

Fav 12 4432 1484
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.

(917): View more from New York City

me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.

Fav 21 1806 5708
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

(917): View more from New York City

really making moves this morning i see

Fav 15 5170 2057
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

Fav 10 6667 1523
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

Fav 16 8388 1258
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.

Fav 16 5003 1783
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

Fav 31 1928 6789
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

Fav 40 1553 4046
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

Fav 18 7692 1691
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

Fav 22 1251 6129
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

Fav 19 11269 1628
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

Fav 76 2644 7124
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

Fav 15 5688 1656
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

Fav 40 3073 6966
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

Fav 29 5664 2087
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

Fav 13 4661 1769
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them

Fav 22 1583 3357
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

Fav 29 4735 1447
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

Fav 44 15604 1980
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

Fav 8 6278 1485
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

Fav 17 1233 6686
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

Fav 18 2192 5916
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

Fav 17 4468 1812
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

Fav 26 8278 1874
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

Fav 45 2531 7174
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

Fav 17 5775 1503
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.

Fav 34 1995 4381
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

Fav 9 6359 1571
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

Fav 30 7941 2011
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night

(1-940): View more from Texas

I don't have a cat..?

(940): View more from Texas

Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.

Fav 13 1885 5597
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

Fav 13 6146 1502
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

Fav 13 5811 1396
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

Fav 29 6852 1464
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I just found puke in my bra..

Fav 17 1165 6019
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"

Fav 5 1565 5079
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.

Fav 10 3031 1259
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

Fav 15 5100 1688
share tweet