I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
they call him Oral-B. enough said
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.