Texts From Last Night

tcd269's Favorites Texts:

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  (914): View more from New York

  I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.

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  (914): I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis. http://tfl.nu/cpy9
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (109) Good night (36355) Bad night (2651)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (76) Good night (41855) Bad night (1332) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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  (404): My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck. http://tfl.nu/0ivr
  Replies (10) Good night (4320) Bad night (903) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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  (815): just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling http://tfl.nu/a8k8
  Replies (16) Good night (1939) Bad night (3483) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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  (503): The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck http://tfl.nu/nvzw
  Replies (19) Good night (5907) Bad night (1105) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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  (716): I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth. http://tfl.nu/f5s8
  Replies (116) Good night (6293) Bad night (1219) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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  (203): his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper http://tfl.nu/7n4i
  Replies (53) Good night (26453) Bad night (1094) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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  (608): I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her. http://tfl.nu/mczp
  Replies (28) Good night (2266) Bad night (11460)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
  Replies (13) Good night (7479) Bad night (725) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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  (802): just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke! http://tfl.nu/q0f1
  Replies (36) Good night (6647) Bad night (1649) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (19437) Bad night (1464) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.

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  (415): fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background. http://tfl.nu/i9c0
  Replies (22) Good night (3030) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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  (434): He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears. http://tfl.nu/acnv
  Replies (41) Good night (11954) Bad night (982) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

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  (336): Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!! http://tfl.nu/krm8
  Replies (20) Good night (6244) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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  (914): she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it" http://tfl.nu/fy2z
  Replies (41) Good night (13003) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

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  (281): Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location. http://tfl.nu/j750
  Replies (30) Good night (4256) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (178) Good night (48655) Bad night (1815)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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  (902): Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl. http://tfl.nu/a7t2
  Replies (13) Good night (6718) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

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  (206): he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff. http://tfl.nu/ss2c
  Replies (13) Good night (8875) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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  (416): He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/3lsk
  Replies (52) Good night (10901) Bad night (773) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  sounds like you fell off the wagon.

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.

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  (617): sounds like you fell off the wagon. (1-617): fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon. http://tfl.nu/7sjj
  Replies (5) Good night (4064) Bad night (664) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
  Replies (43) Good night (4305) Bad night (7974)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
  Replies (49) Good night (16391) Bad night (1134)
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  (714): View more from California

  Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?

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  (714): Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix? http://tfl.nu/0vla
  Replies (153) Good night (3316) Bad night (994) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
  Replies (52) Good night (1887) Bad night (7378) Order T-Shirt
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  (951): View more from California

  Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down

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  (951): Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down http://tfl.nu/e7px
  Replies (16) Good night (472) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.

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  (248): I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial. http://tfl.nu/t70i
  Replies (12) Good night (6790) Bad night (687) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from

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  (973): my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from http://tfl.nu/ptif
  Replies (69) Good night (7190) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"

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  (718): you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass" http://tfl.nu/foy3
  Replies (22) Good night (871) Bad night (4283) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude are you serious?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I know you already have a pic on your phone

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  (978): Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave (617): dude are you serious? (978): I know you already have a pic on your phone http://tfl.nu/k6lt
  Replies (95) Good night (2212) Bad night (2793)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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  (519): Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die. http://tfl.nu/wxg3
  Replies (21) Good night (5267) Bad night (790) Order T-Shirt
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  (564): View more from Washington

  He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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  (564): He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns http://tfl.nu/yiwx
  Replies (13) Good night (4579) Bad night (1319)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat

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  (860): I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat http://tfl.nu/ctv0
  Replies (17) Good night (1021) Bad night (4660) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.

  (850): View more from Florida

  I guess we all know what he was cookin.

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  (850): So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines. (850): I guess we all know what he was cookin. http://tfl.nu/lvcl
  Replies (15) Good night (863) Bad night (3665)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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  (765): I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart. http://tfl.nu/xlbc
  Replies (37) Good night (6518) Bad night (1290) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.

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  (703): I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going. http://tfl.nu/roti
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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  (+49): Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face http://tfl.nu/4iya
  Replies (26) Good night (10803) Bad night (1301) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
  Replies (51) Good night (15595) Bad night (904) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

  (480): View more from Arizona

  exactly, that's why i want something interesting

  (512): View more from Texas

  slutty neuroscientist?

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  (512): halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc... (480): exactly, that's why i want something interesting (512): slutty neuroscientist? http://tfl.nu/zg01
  Replies (34) Good night (4856) Bad night (388)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.

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  (314): I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light. http://tfl.nu/psre
  Replies (19) Good night (3560) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.

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  (617): I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront. http://tfl.nu/9odf
  Replies (15) Good night (3389) Bad night (472)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

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  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
  Replies (221) Good night (6514) Bad night (70167)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".

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  (617): she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case". http://tfl.nu/rki3
  Replies (22) Good night (3462) Bad night (1070) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago

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  (847): i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago http://tfl.nu/60w4
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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  (775): Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again? http://tfl.nu/oao4
  Replies (19) Good night (807) Bad night (7179)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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  (208): why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never. http://tfl.nu/g58g
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

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  (203): I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails. http://tfl.nu/h0ov
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  (716): View more from New York

  Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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  (716): Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed? http://tfl.nu/24fj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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  (401): he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys. http://tfl.nu/w8m7
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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  (240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9
  Replies (145) Good night (3184) Bad night (11804) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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  (610): There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here. http://tfl.nu/6w86
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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  (336): While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus. http://tfl.nu/10to
  Replies (16) Good night (5140) Bad night (840)
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
  Replies (351) Good night (7018) Bad night (46845)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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  (303): his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy http://tfl.nu/u5b8
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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  (919): She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me! http://tfl.nu/g61u
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  (845): View more from New York

  Because ur a stupid bitch

  (1-845): View more from New York

  Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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  (845): Because ur a stupid bitch (1-845): Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch. http://tfl.nu/0sjk
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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  (352): Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song. http://tfl.nu/qyok
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  HE'S 26!!!

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  (208): His mom took away his car and made him quit his job. (1-208): HE'S 26!!! http://tfl.nu/2fqd
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  (518): View more from New York

  She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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  (518): She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her http://tfl.nu/ofex
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b

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  (215): i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b http://tfl.nu/ogbj
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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  (513): I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me. http://tfl.nu/k06t
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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  (903): Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later. http://tfl.nu/bq2x
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

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  (317): Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar http://tfl.nu/plcg
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  (972): View more from Texas

  They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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  (972): They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas. http://tfl.nu/lamz
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.

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  (303): It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes. http://tfl.nu/06hp
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  ill be there in 5.

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  (812): through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife. (847): ill be there in 5. http://tfl.nu/y9p2
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  (951): View more from California

  There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.

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  (951): There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS. http://tfl.nu/ppbc
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

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  (337): I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel. http://tfl.nu/jndo
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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  (816): dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock... (1-816): Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings. (816): that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it. http://tfl.nu/66g0
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around

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  (419): There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around http://tfl.nu/vprs
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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  (775): What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS? (1-775): A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass! http://tfl.nu/lvgp
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself

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  (913): I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself http://tfl.nu/n2u9
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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  (701): She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex. http://tfl.nu/crgk
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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  (203): Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet. http://tfl.nu/z4ao
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  (323): View more from California

  The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

  (1-323): View more from California

  Did you put it in the freezer again?

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  (323): The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child. (1-323): Did you put it in the freezer again? http://tfl.nu/uvmz
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

  (602): View more from Arizona

  Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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  (480): He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere. (602): Why would he say turtle mid-fuck? http://tfl.nu/okxi
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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  (419): vegan vag taste different. and not a good different http://tfl.nu/aqb4
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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  (208): She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible. http://tfl.nu/a9zl
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  (360): View more from Washington

  he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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  (360): he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them http://tfl.nu/8aam
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places

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  (603): Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places http://tfl.nu/sf6j
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
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  (786): View more from Florida

  I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

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  (786): I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction. http://tfl.nu/2rxz
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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  (508): I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation? http://tfl.nu/jmz5
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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  (954): i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed. http://tfl.nu/a1x5
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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  (603): sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!" http://tfl.nu/halh
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  (646): View more from New York

  You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

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  (646): You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward. http://tfl.nu/aqj7
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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  (614): The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls. (610): A simple 'no' would have sufficed http://tfl.nu/eyzn
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

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  (802): Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami." http://tfl.nu/q4af
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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  (808): Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy" http://tfl.nu/zdbd
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  (585): View more from New York

  He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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  (585): He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius. http://tfl.nu/hqjt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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  (609): One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em. http://tfl.nu/70jy
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving

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  (773): he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving http://tfl.nu/f17y
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  (619): View more from California

  after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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  (619): after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible. http://tfl.nu/hzvs
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.

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  (908): fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off. http://tfl.nu/8rwr
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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  (321): Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting. http://tfl.nu/c1w6
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week

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  (780): girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week http://tfl.nu/5wm5
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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  (304): Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for http://tfl.nu/goo7
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.

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  (816): Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower. http://tfl.nu/cq6t
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  (650): View more from California

  Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?

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  (650): Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls? http://tfl.nu/pg74
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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  (931): Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex. http://tfl.nu/p49h
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.

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  (847): Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out. http://tfl.nu/8l4x
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  (951): View more from California

  Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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  (951): Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor. http://tfl.nu/e2p4
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  (818): View more from California

  Jake died.

  (310): View more from California

  WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

  (818): View more from California

  Oops typo. Jake cried.

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  (818): Jake died. (310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me???? (818): Oops typo. Jake cried. http://tfl.nu/zib8
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks

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  (901): I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks http://tfl.nu/9z2d
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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  (512): Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits. http://tfl.nu/amvg
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  I would love to give you more rug burn

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  (313): Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible. (1-313): I would love to give you more rug burn http://tfl.nu/8ela
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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  (401): You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you. http://tfl.nu/6q4j
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  (310): View more from California

  do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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  (310): do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking? http://tfl.nu/6m2c
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  (818): View more from California

  This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.

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  (818): This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate. http://tfl.nu/k2b3
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

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  (586): Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now. http://tfl.nu/hw0c
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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  (401): What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy. http://tfl.nu/6xxv
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  ready 4 sex 2nite?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  wow. woo me matt, woo me.

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  (847): ready 4 sex 2nite? (978): wow. woo me matt, woo me. http://tfl.nu/frhd
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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  (610): I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace. http://tfl.nu/hmhd
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.

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  (602): I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one. (623): Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully. http://tfl.nu/x05a
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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  (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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  (828): Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious. http://tfl.nu/m393
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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  (303): You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher? (720): Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced. http://tfl.nu/qahj
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  (917): View more from New York City

  giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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  (917): giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong? http://tfl.nu/9q3v
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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  (412): I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra. http://tfl.nu/7xhn
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here

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  (906): Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here http://tfl.nu/0qbu
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.

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  (757): I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home. http://tfl.nu/lnz2
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb

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  (856): you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb http://tfl.nu/benk
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  (818): View more from California

  I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape

  (310): View more from California

  wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?

  (818): View more from California

  why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES

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  (818): I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape (310): wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape? (818): why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES http://tfl.nu/d72u
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party

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  (847): Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party http://tfl.nu/77aw
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Ew, and?!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.

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  (703): She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal. (540): Ew, and?! (703): Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards. http://tfl.nu/xpq2
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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  (651): So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure. http://tfl.nu/i2sm
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.

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  (505): Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops. http://tfl.nu/78kv
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  (801): View more from Utah

  see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

  (1-801): View more from Utah

  wait.... you do what?

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  (801): see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks (1-801): wait.... you do what? http://tfl.nu/1q1g
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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  (574): how does Santa get into Hogwarts? http://tfl.nu/z515
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.

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  (256): Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night. http://tfl.nu/gx6d
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  (415): View more from California

  She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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  (415): She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver. http://tfl.nu/1xbw
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.

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  (520): i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple. http://tfl.nu/a9o6
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  (954): View more from Florida

  hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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  (954): hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot. http://tfl.nu/3jpd
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  God I fucking love America.

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  (513): NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016... (1-513): God I fucking love America. http://tfl.nu/eses
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My cha cha got a haircut

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf

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  (814): My cha cha got a haircut (724): thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf http://tfl.nu/cixh
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp

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  (201): I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp http://tfl.nu/qhzj
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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  (225): I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room (1-225): haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom? http://tfl.nu/q6me
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]

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  (541): Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =] http://tfl.nu/r84d
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.

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  (313): Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater. http://tfl.nu/ei9l
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  (530): View more from California

  I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.

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  (530): I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons. http://tfl.nu/pcjk
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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  (678): I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts. http://tfl.nu/4sqd
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

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  (208): I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe. http://tfl.nu/02tv
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?

  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I find this completely acceptable.

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  (903): Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework? (321): I find this completely acceptable. http://tfl.nu/32xm
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent

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  (612): i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent http://tfl.nu/7y58
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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  (256): I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them. http://tfl.nu/zwx2
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  (585): View more from New York

  Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history

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  (585): Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history http://tfl.nu/gm9f
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

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  (214): I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall. http://tfl.nu/zz1u
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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  (269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow (1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10 http://tfl.nu/n472
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  (518): View more from New York

  She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.

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  (518): She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids. http://tfl.nu/b0ha
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

  (917): View more from New York City

  the suitcase or the dildo?

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  (312): i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it (917): the suitcase or the dildo? http://tfl.nu/j1en
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  I hope you meant gum...

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  (410): We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day. (1-410): I hope you meant gum... http://tfl.nu/fcg7
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  (516): View more from New York

  watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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  (516): watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball... http://tfl.nu/7xuo
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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  (513): How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region? (1-513): The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well. http://tfl.nu/bwog
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.

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  (513): She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools. http://tfl.nu/fny5
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  (650): View more from California

  Get your hand out of your ass!

  (734): View more from Michigan

  how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?

  (650): View more from California

  In your belly button

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  (650): Get your hand out of your ass! (734): how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..? (650): In your belly button http://tfl.nu/hvbh
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Experience is the best teacher

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  (810): You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish (248): Experience is the best teacher http://tfl.nu/l23g
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Did we use protection last night?

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Um, no...keep in touch, okay?

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  (780): Did we use protection last night? (1-780): Um, no...keep in touch, okay? http://tfl.nu/2myc
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww

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  (541): at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww http://tfl.nu/qfxi
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

  (480): View more from Arizona

  k i'll be over in 5.

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  (480): just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds. (1-480): i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice. (480): k i'll be over in 5. http://tfl.nu/rkxl
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.

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  (248): i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding. http://tfl.nu/2d2l
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.

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  (614): if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle? (1-614): i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you. http://tfl.nu/6cnp
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea

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  (608): Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea http://tfl.nu/i55m
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  is that a poem?!

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  (612): Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls (763): is that a poem?! http://tfl.nu/h29o
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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  (978): i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven http://tfl.nu/9auj
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  (714): View more from California

  Ikea night.

  (949): View more from California

  ?

  (714): View more from California

  Insert tab A into swedish slot B

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  (714): Ikea night. (949): ? (714): Insert tab A into swedish slot B http://tfl.nu/q7ph
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  (972): View more from Texas

  **i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

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  (972): **i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS** http://tfl.nu/fjtm
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

  (720): View more from Colorado

  This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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  (605): So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win? (720): This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok? http://tfl.nu/drjm
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.

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  (301): The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs. http://tfl.nu/e9u8
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.

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  (248): Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God. http://tfl.nu/n9ll
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".

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  (917): My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva". http://tfl.nu/2q86
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