I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So many bounce houses so little time
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.