Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
and i looked up. we had an audience...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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