i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i came on her dog
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just found puke in my bra..
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...