So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
19 Utterly Perfect Responses To ‘Send Nudes’ Texts
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
"it" just moved
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again