Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
where are you?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
it's like heaven, but drunker
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we're making bets on your personal life
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
its not stalking. its research.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
sarcasm needs its own font
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
we have officially lost it.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.