i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
