when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
