He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...