its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I hate your face
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.