Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Its about making memories worth repressing
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Actions speak louder than pants.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I intend to get homeless drunk
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
We're like a lot better than the average bears
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.