Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer