Texts From Last Night

ohshxtsaty's Favorites Texts:

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  (607): View more from New York

  she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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  (607): she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet. http://tfl.nu/uotm
  Replies (36) Good night (1453) Bad night (8309) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

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  (630): Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind" http://tfl.nu/dke2
  Replies (17) Good night (4844) Bad night (900)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

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  (732): I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there. http://tfl.nu/dxiw
  Replies (7) Good night (3863) Bad night (1038) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We should party with her soon

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  (651): She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death. (715): We should party with her soon http://tfl.nu/q1hq
  Replies (17) Good night (8247) Bad night (990)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired

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  (902): I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired http://tfl.nu/suui
  Replies (19) Good night (3272) Bad night (859) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"

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  (650): This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case" http://tfl.nu/fgo6
  Replies (12) Good night (6414) Bad night (735) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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  (703): I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense http://tfl.nu/aaqg
  Replies (20) Good night (7899) Bad night (802) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.

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  (248): Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace. http://tfl.nu/fcle
  Replies (20) Good night (10436) Bad night (1075) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?

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  (608): do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life? http://tfl.nu/au0e
  Replies (13) Good night (5038) Bad night (921) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

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  (248): i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times... http://tfl.nu/ibyk
  Replies (15) Good night (5464) Bad night (911) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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  (901): I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?" http://tfl.nu/efd9
  Replies (24) Good night (5779) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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  (443): Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable. http://tfl.nu/quma
  Replies (7) Good night (5781) Bad night (1066) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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  (310): as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!' http://tfl.nu/csk1
  Replies (34) Good night (5779) Bad night (1039)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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  (309): Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete http://tfl.nu/n4gc
  Replies (36) Good night (6040) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.

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  (301): he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself. http://tfl.nu/68qu
  Replies (13) Good night (4341) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.

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  (636): So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned. http://tfl.nu/elt7
  Replies (38) Good night (2435) Bad night (6064)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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  (304): Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for http://tfl.nu/goo7
  Replies (27) Good night (10020) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.

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  (859): Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day. http://tfl.nu/d01x
  Replies (16) Good night (5897) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  it's 1 pm.

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  (203): i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words. (1-203): it's 1 pm. http://tfl.nu/0ewp
  Replies (29) Good night (8421) Bad night (986)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  How am I a tease?

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.

  (813): View more from Florida

  ONLY PART OF IT.

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  (813): How am I a tease? (1-813): Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away. (813): ONLY PART OF IT. http://tfl.nu/b7xa
  Replies (45) Good night (8230) Bad night (1448)
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.

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  (514): i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/xhhe
  Replies (25) Good night (919) Bad night (6117) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

  (914): View more from New York

  you mean faeutihaers?

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  (917): did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night? (914): you mean faeutihaers? http://tfl.nu/mcba
  Replies (34) Good night (10520) Bad night (1107)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.

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  (614): how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity. http://tfl.nu/zm0j
  Replies (19) Good night (4599) Bad night (1459)
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  (716): View more from New York

  Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.

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  (716): Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time. http://tfl.nu/ytyv
  Replies (79) Good night (7260) Bad night (1278)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?

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  (203): I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me? http://tfl.nu/jc3e
  Replies (7) Good night (828) Bad night (3865) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

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  (410): I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis" http://tfl.nu/6z4n
  Replies (29) Good night (12625) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic

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  (646): vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic http://tfl.nu/5kjv
  Replies (41) Good night (4234) Bad night (617) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.

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  (304): I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later. http://tfl.nu/jthu
  Replies (19) Good night (733) Bad night (6027) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
  Replies (131) Good night (31761) Bad night (2245) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"

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  (734): you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover" http://tfl.nu/l7y3
  Replies (34) Good night (4661) Bad night (2409) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.

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  (209): Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future. http://tfl.nu/yuzg
  Replies (19) Good night (6374) Bad night (814) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.

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  (404): Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket. http://tfl.nu/i4q7
  Replies (15) Good night (4365) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later

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  (606): you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later http://tfl.nu/ipo7
  Replies (26) Good night (1680) Bad night (4668) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie

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  (805): the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie http://tfl.nu/n8tx
  Replies (20) Good night (6266) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.

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  (502): so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked. http://tfl.nu/56pg
  Replies (15) Good night (545) Bad night (4396) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
  Replies (62) Good night (18032) Bad night (1995) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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  (954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa http://tfl.nu/4mlw
  Replies (79) Good night (13895) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.

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  (801): i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away. http://tfl.nu/p1dq
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high

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  (774): dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high http://tfl.nu/yu6x
  Replies (49) Good night (7395) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.

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  (734): You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom. http://tfl.nu/aenv
  Replies (34) Good night (3616) Bad night (1129) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.

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  (214): Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent. http://tfl.nu/dqjd
  Replies (36) Good night (6045) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie

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  (828): you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie http://tfl.nu/vbyw
  Replies (36) Good night (5992) Bad night (1339) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in

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  (732): no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in http://tfl.nu/h08n
  Replies (6) Good night (5509) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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  (407): i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume. http://tfl.nu/l5xu
  Replies (31) Good night (10150) Bad night (1305) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
  Replies (131) Good night (60825) Bad night (1884) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"

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  (903): Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R" http://tfl.nu/2koa
  Replies (50) Good night (5559) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  Wait, how do girls masturbate?

  (1-925): View more from California

  I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

  (925): View more from California

  ..how does it fit?

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  (925): Wait, how do girls masturbate? (1-925): I dunno we use shower heads I guess. (925): ..how does it fit? http://tfl.nu/ktf5
  Replies (85) Good night (1984) Bad night (5672)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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  (978): just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors http://tfl.nu/9psa
  Replies (65) Good night (16404) Bad night (1148) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
  Replies (39) Good night (13962) Bad night (900)
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  (409): View more from Texas

  so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

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  (409): so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister http://tfl.nu/4kg0
  Replies (56) Good night (8923) Bad night (2330) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.

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  (715): went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower. http://tfl.nu/u1zb
  Replies (22) Good night (7846) Bad night (1215)
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.

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  (571): Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever. http://tfl.nu/jxfd
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?

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  (703): You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl? http://tfl.nu/mavc
  Replies (75) Good night (3308) Bad night (7054) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day

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  (817): Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day http://tfl.nu/cyg4
  Replies (16) Good night (809) Bad night (3499)
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  (707): View more from California

  left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen

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  (707): left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen http://tfl.nu/p86b
  Replies (13) Good night (511) Bad night (4609) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face

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  (651): well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face http://tfl.nu/bl8e
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  (817): View more from Texas

  The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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  (817): The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen. http://tfl.nu/gj69
  Replies (38) Good night (12598) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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  (513): why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position http://tfl.nu/vjj2
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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  (216): ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1. http://tfl.nu/a49b
  Replies (59) Good night (10950) Bad night (1047) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.

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  (803): I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out. http://tfl.nu/rwiz
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.

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  (410): you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now. http://tfl.nu/1nlv
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA

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  (250): I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA http://tfl.nu/zqva
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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  (617): there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store http://tfl.nu/cjt7
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  (607): View more from New York

  flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final

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  (607): flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final http://tfl.nu/3a2h
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

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  (410): new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle. http://tfl.nu/lcrv
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.

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  (732): The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party. http://tfl.nu/2ynx
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick

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  (804): quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick http://tfl.nu/5pdl
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans

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  (336): nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans http://tfl.nu/j158
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  (239): View more from Florida

  yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.

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  (239): yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day. http://tfl.nu/xjz6
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

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  (412): Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container? http://tfl.nu/it9b
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  (914): View more from New York

  you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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  (914): you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds http://tfl.nu/u8pq
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  (818): View more from California

  I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar

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  (818): I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar http://tfl.nu/o7a0
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?

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  (512): I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing? http://tfl.nu/nzdd
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"

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  (847): i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong" http://tfl.nu/catg
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche

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  (941): Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche http://tfl.nu/hcs6
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".

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  (773): She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy". http://tfl.nu/lu2f
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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  (515): They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me http://tfl.nu/jqeo
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober

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  (717): you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober http://tfl.nu/nwgl
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes

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  (817): Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes http://tfl.nu/2z3z
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.

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  (702): you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly. http://tfl.nu/rajr
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else

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  (630): I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else http://tfl.nu/09lv
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

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  (724): Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases http://tfl.nu/ns4i
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  (845): View more from New York

  felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

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  (845): felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter http://tfl.nu/o0yy
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.

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  (305): I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry. http://tfl.nu/el5m
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  (914): View more from New York

  End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.

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  (914): End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide. http://tfl.nu/bl6v
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  (253): View more from Washington

  My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"

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  (253): My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair" http://tfl.nu/zzcb
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  (585): View more from New York

  lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time

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  (585): lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time http://tfl.nu/tppe
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  (718): View more from New York

  you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"

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  (718): you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass" http://tfl.nu/foy3
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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  (978): your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop. http://tfl.nu/x1i9
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  (716): View more from New York

  People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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  (716): People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz http://tfl.nu/sutg
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.

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  (604): Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better. http://tfl.nu/c4mu
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.

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  (423): i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago. http://tfl.nu/sxj3
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.

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  (203): Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door. http://tfl.nu/li4e
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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  (484): You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy. http://tfl.nu/h40g
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.

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  (210): I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy. http://tfl.nu/uz12
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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  (303): At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends. (1-303): At about the same time you guys weren't burritos. http://tfl.nu/mxci
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."

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  (404): My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America." http://tfl.nu/2jbp
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"

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  (401): so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now" http://tfl.nu/ut9w
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.

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  (414): You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door. http://tfl.nu/h0ao
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?

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  (512): Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You? http://tfl.nu/i2et
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her

  (513): View more from Ohio

  me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..

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  (513): woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her (513): me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you.. http://tfl.nu/01sh
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj

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  (617): anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj http://tfl.nu/74ok
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  (209): View more from California

  I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.

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  (209): I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car. http://tfl.nu/v5pu
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.

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  (405): I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost. http://tfl.nu/voez
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  (530): View more from California

  Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

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  (530): Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls. http://tfl.nu/qy86
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dude she let me cum on her face

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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  (843): Dude she let me cum on her face (1-843): You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning http://tfl.nu/f5g3
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  (716): View more from New York

  My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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  (716): My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics http://tfl.nu/wc24
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.

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  (727): Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America. http://tfl.nu/b8jy
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.

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  (479): just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation. http://tfl.nu/5hwm
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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  (816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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  (860): The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one http://tfl.nu/gt0t
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?

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  (617): Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness? http://tfl.nu/575t
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  (407): View more from Florida

  the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

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  (407): the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever. http://tfl.nu/psk0
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.

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  (570): My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend. http://tfl.nu/7sdv
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.

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  (507): So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there. http://tfl.nu/r47h
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".

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  (870): I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible". http://tfl.nu/e3k3
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.

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  (636): trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites. http://tfl.nu/811n
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  (650): View more from California

  last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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  (650): last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.' http://tfl.nu/3iza
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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  (201): i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby. http://tfl.nu/udcn
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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  (248): My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks http://tfl.nu/rdtc
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'

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  (219): she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs' http://tfl.nu/aa98
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.

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  (502): I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart. http://tfl.nu/9vpe
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.

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  (206): Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week. http://tfl.nu/twaw
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.

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  (610): i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub. http://tfl.nu/fmmx
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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  (813): I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type. (1-813): Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type. http://tfl.nu/055q
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?

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  (301): I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus? http://tfl.nu/vinz
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  (661): View more from California

  so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.

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  (661): so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa. http://tfl.nu/lwmw
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  (407): View more from Florida

  cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  the diet of an alcoholic...

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  (407): cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks. (1-407): the diet of an alcoholic... http://tfl.nu/3a7v
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  (315): View more from New York

  it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.

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  (315): it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right. http://tfl.nu/vsow
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'

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  (920): you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!' http://tfl.nu/st5y
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.

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  (856): So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron. http://tfl.nu/ru5k
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (516): View more from New York

  onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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  (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please? (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag? http://tfl.nu/5o6h
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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  (314): he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??" http://tfl.nu/y012
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  (850): View more from Florida

  hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

  (904): View more from Florida

  not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

  (850): View more from Florida

  i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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  (850): hey. who tried to drive me home last night? (904): not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"? (850): i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants. http://tfl.nu/wk6x
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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  (651): Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you. http://tfl.nu/jbfy
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  (510): View more from California

  I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.

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  (510): I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK. http://tfl.nu/4l82
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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  (580): Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged. http://tfl.nu/xha8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.

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  (410): To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows. http://tfl.nu/3dnj
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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  (307): Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again. http://tfl.nu/btf1
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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  (703): swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back." (202): buy whatever she's on. a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/b6gr
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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  (586): You do realize it's a Tuesday, right? (1-586): You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life. http://tfl.nu/em8w
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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  (850): We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you. http://tfl.nu/tn9h
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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  (706): I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song. (1-706): I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina. http://tfl.nu/b2qf
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  People still let you watch their kids?

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  (970): I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer. (1-970): People still let you watch their kids? http://tfl.nu/8t1p
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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  (201): You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!" http://tfl.nu/rb09
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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  (801): I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion. http://tfl.nu/ntse
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Honestly, what else do I have going for me?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  You make a valid point.

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  (216): Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets. (440): Honestly, what else do I have going for me? (216): You make a valid point. http://tfl.nu/ba8r
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better

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  (970): Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better http://tfl.nu/no2g
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  pat the guy you slept with

  (314): View more from Missouri

  still need a last name

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  (314): hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this? (573): pat the guy you slept with (314): still need a last name http://tfl.nu/e97s
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  (353): View more from

  Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.

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  (353): Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila. http://tfl.nu/uacf
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.

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  (808): Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger. http://tfl.nu/99q6
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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  (727): and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go. http://tfl.nu/b20y
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.

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  (570): Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break. http://tfl.nu/c9vz
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20

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  (608): the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20 http://tfl.nu/n9vd
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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  (504): She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet. http://tfl.nu/znp0
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (631): View more from New York

  if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

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  (631): if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you http://tfl.nu/ij50
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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  (864): you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night http://tfl.nu/m2bf
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me

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  (610): we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me http://tfl.nu/jltn
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (510): View more from California

  And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"

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  (510): And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work" http://tfl.nu/x4nq
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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  (305): Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming. http://tfl.nu/4nef
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  (212): View more from New York

  You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.

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  (212): You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido. http://tfl.nu/8t44
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  What's this douchebags name?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Rob...

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  (908): He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!" (973): What's this douchebags name? (908): Rob... http://tfl.nu/raez
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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  (843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

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  (404): A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show. http://tfl.nu/h6zp
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  (813): View more from Florida

  The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

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  (813): The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you" http://tfl.nu/44qj
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.

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  (937): my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different. http://tfl.nu/n2zh
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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  (732): you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy." http://tfl.nu/a1we
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  (567): View more from Ohio

  I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..

  (1-567): View more from Ohio

  How so?

  (567): View more from Ohio

  Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.

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  (567): I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand.. (1-567): How so? (567): Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours. http://tfl.nu/38h3
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

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  (972): Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world http://tfl.nu/83f8
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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  (803): Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine. http://tfl.nu/e72g
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  (209): View more from California

  she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook

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  (209): she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook http://tfl.nu/tp82
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS

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  (617): theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS http://tfl.nu/np1i
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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  (816): I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since. http://tfl.nu/s9zv
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  I've always been the spiritual type.

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  (702): When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion. (1-702): I've always been the spiritual type. http://tfl.nu/v0oc
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  (516): View more from New York

  The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.

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  (516): The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving. http://tfl.nu/b59v
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.

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  (337): My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night. http://tfl.nu/n564
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  drunk me is so punny.

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  (803): so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life. (843): drunk me is so punny. http://tfl.nu/qdzv
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.

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  (224): She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand. http://tfl.nu/cnkx
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  (607): View more from New York

  you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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  (607): you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY http://tfl.nu/h6do
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  (813): View more from Florida

  running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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  (813): running late. just ran over a dude on a bike http://tfl.nu/e4pf
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  (941): View more from Florida

  so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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  (941): so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation. http://tfl.nu/o6ey
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  (949): View more from California

  I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.

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  (949): I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar. http://tfl.nu/limh
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..

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  (314): When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar.. http://tfl.nu/d5fi
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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  (613): you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved http://tfl.nu/t5ge
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"

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  (815): i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out" http://tfl.nu/k16a
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

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  (267): while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life http://tfl.nu/pj1v
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Nevermind, it's not water.

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  (907): The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle. (907): Nevermind, it's not water. http://tfl.nu/jzsy
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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  (803): I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do. http://tfl.nu/xze3
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  (607): View more from New York

  haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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  (607): haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook. http://tfl.nu/7oed
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.

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  (267): This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything. http://tfl.nu/flqr
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.

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  (573): I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator. http://tfl.nu/5d16
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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  (201): i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line http://tfl.nu/rmxl
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.

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  (204): He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina. http://tfl.nu/1ygc
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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  (405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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  (804): is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate http://tfl.nu/cll3
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  (805): View more from California

  do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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  (805): do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland? http://tfl.nu/lpb9
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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  (630): Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to? http://tfl.nu/fqx3
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  (415): View more from California

  If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.

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  (415): If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition. http://tfl.nu/fwuo
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.

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  (610): she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot. http://tfl.nu/93sx
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