she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.