Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
