Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
one two three fourrrrnication!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
i dont own pink underwear
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you