This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."