We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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