So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.