I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
seriously i just wanna be friends
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I think about you every night.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
another moral hangover. fuck.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.