considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
this will be a night to untag.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So many bounce houses so little time
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.