Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm having a debate with **** over whether or not he is gay... what's your verdict?
GAY or at the very least bisexual.
His "joking around" with all of his roommates is clearly as act. He needs to step back and reevaluate his sexual orientation.
Weird... you've rode him.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
sarcasm needs its own font
they're like a gay fantastic four
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I love you!
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Dignity is for republicans.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I told you penises don't tan
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
are you still at the devil's house?
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I wish my penis had an off switch
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?