Texts From Last Night · brottanyyyraee's Favorites

brottanyyyraee's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(971): View more from Oregon

you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?

Fav 25 5673 1125
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

Fav 55 11140 3716
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

Fav 19 4077 1256
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.

Fav 27 1401 2106
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

Fav 96 13844 2781
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

Fav 20 2596 4896
share tweet

(515): View more from Iowa

Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.

Fav 6 3378 1019
share tweet

(224): View more from Illinois

he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number

Fav 23 1248 6231
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.

Fav 46 7780 944
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

Fav 51 3347 13002
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

Fav 9 1933 4648
share tweet

(256): View more from Alabama

Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?

Fav 7 1128 3206
share tweet

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

Fav 22 5749 1242
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

Fav 23 6011 3698
share tweet

(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

Fav 30 2800 8325
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

Fav 106 23662 1411
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

Fav 21 6800 1380
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9134 24694
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

Fav 50 4981 1156
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

Fav 12 2564 4544
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own

Fav 27 9009 1519
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway

Fav 3 1111 3629
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38252 5876
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.

Fav 98 2610 23462
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.

Fav 6 5151 874
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.

Fav 10 1422 832
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am

Fav 20 4378 1131
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26744 2045
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

Fav 51 9752 1660
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose

Fav 51 2024 6823
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

Fav 26 1711 8232
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.

Fav 18 3999 1265
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

Fav 15 6776 1862
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

Fav 22 7343 1465
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

Fav 19 7107 1533
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.

Fav 7 4236 1092
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long

Fav 31 7546 1221
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor

Fav 15 5855 1191
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.

Fav 12 6835 1884
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

Fav 20 12050 1542
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45410 2754
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers

(1-720): View more from Colorado

eat her like coffee?

Fav 19 1562 3576
share tweet
(925): View more from California

If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.

Fav 30 4248 1176
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

it's 1 pm.

Fav 29 8909 1452
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

Fav 39 6085 1175
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

Fav 36 6671 1348
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

Fav 9 6132 1123
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"

Fav 34 7829 1449
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

Fav 20 4750 1365
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!

(1-520): View more from Arizona

what?

(520): View more from Arizona

YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!

Fav 38 1081 4411
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford

Fav 108 4443 1231
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later

Fav 24 6552 1203
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

Fav 57 13784 1586
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?

Fav 19 4811 1166
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her

Fav 31 1130 3159
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

Fav 6 4740 1264
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

Fav 26 1501 8271
share tweet
(619): View more from California

went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.

Fav 27 8242 1538
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

Fav 11 5255 1155
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.

Fav 6 3949 1996
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

Fav 32 14189 1420
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty

Fav 95 3410 1275
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?

Fav 59 4235 1015
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

Fav 66 5005 1602
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy

Fav 23 7595 1269
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

Fav 17 10646 1220
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up

Fav 30 5638 1512
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...

Fav 40 5774 1819
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night

Fav 4 1462 4050
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

Fav 228 2725 4908
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.

Fav 9 1169 1149
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53244 2384
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

Fav 99 3051 24675
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53648 6691
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

Fav 7 1245 2931
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

we have pet lesbian snakes

Fav 4 1812 896
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.

Fav 10 1367 3431
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I cockslap morals

Fav 5 3442 845
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.

Fav 18 5653 1268
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

Fav 118 39402 1935
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.

Fav 15 1611 5109
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

Fav 22 7395 1980
share tweet
(905): View more from Toronto

No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

Fav 24 1976 4352
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"

Fav 49 2603 9761
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

Fav 111 12907 1899
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned

Fav 6 1255 5124
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.

Fav 52 2249 10617
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

meow

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

Fav 96 5317 1761
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

Fav 57 12843 1370
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29986 1753
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

Fav 86 4315 871
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Did you just see the Batmobile???

Fav 24 5999 861
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

Fav 21 6230 1611
share tweet
(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

Fav 53 9989 2915
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

the snow is so cold on my vagina.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do you have snow on your vagina?

(580): View more from Oklahoma

vodka and heels.

Fav 45 6645 1781
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

im bored tell me something entertaining

(206): View more from Washington

You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

Fav 48 1927 10188
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

Fav 209 11130 5013
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

Fav 54 19287 1238
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

Fav 23 11051 1158
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Fav 298 76370 3425
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

Fav 16 5895 1243
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

Fav 19 9221 1454
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Fav 73 19505 4223
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

Fav 44 10102 1550
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Fav 39 4473 885
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

Fav 89 9574 2016
share tweet
(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

Fav 144 2258 19969
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

Fav 36 10405 1453
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

Fav 81 3152 6575
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"

Fav 9 1829 5749
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

Fav 19 5245 3051
share tweet
(707): View more from California

get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.

Fav 25 1081 5740
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.

Fav 61 5293 1458
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

Fav 166 29077 3214
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

Fav 32 8971 1270
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

Fav 30 2164 6202
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.

Fav 49 6619 1991
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

Fav 9 6968 1480
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

Fav 69 28603 1840
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

(347): View more from New York

I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

Fav 41 11814 2666
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.

Fav 23 1918 4534
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?

Fav 112 1527 16553
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

Fav 48 9071 1603
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out

Fav 64 1378 10136
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

Fav 87 11980 2455
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.

Fav 73 1524 8379
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.

Fav 68 9867 1305
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

Fav 47 10642 1489
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

Fav 32 11987 1709
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.

Fav 31 6409 1033
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

Fav 57 9518 1409
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

Fav 56 1743 2848
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

Fav 24 5793 1015
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

Fav 25 7025 1031
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I had better be fucking involved with step four.

Fav 46 5708 1307
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.

Fav 5 4960 1019
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass

(352): View more from Florida

godspeed.

Fav 14 5434 919
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple

(1-631): View more from New York

whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?

Fav 31 4745 1841
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.

Fav 19 1033 4567
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

Fav 36 6606 1193
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.

Fav 35 3886 1419
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs

Fav 58 1316 12604
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

Fav 33 22359 2579
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I've never been more proud of you

Fav 20 5970 902
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

Fav 16 1424 4935
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.

Fav 30 2026 808
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I hope im prettier

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying

Fav 37 1066 3673
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.

Fav 37 8157 1826
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic

Fav 94 9255 2428
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

Fav 25 8396 1337
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.

Fav 13 1413 7046
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

Fav 24 6327 2393
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?

(408): View more from California

oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no

Fav 4 1537 3593
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

Fav 34 1338 5199
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.

Fav 19 4395 1526
share tweet
(949): View more from California

i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit

Fav 13 3577 1360
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.

Fav 5 1895 1135
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

is your mom at the bar?

Fav 4 3328 1567
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.

Fav 10 2759 1097
share tweet
(408): View more from California

Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions

Fav 100 7607 1555
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

Fav 55 7621 1562
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

Fav 18 6629 1147
share tweet
(408): View more from California

booty call

(925): View more from California

i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

Fav 60 1524 6325
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!

(805): View more from California

God Bless America!

Fav 134 7116 1680
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm in love with you.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

huh?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.

Fav 14 3503 1064
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."

Fav 17 3519 939
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

Fav 41 32279 1495
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker

Fav 15 1493 4418
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

Fav 32 9599 1358
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

Fav 15 2455 4593
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

Fav 5 1676 1054
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...

Fav 12 1606 876
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

Fav 17 1315 5268
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine

(303): View more from Colorado

Oh and I threw up on myself...

Fav 41 2025 7608
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome

Fav 62 8066 1690
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

Fav 27 8378 1275
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

Fav 19 6771 1163
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.

Fav 10 4773 1034
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys

(1-804): View more from Virginia

wow, that really makes you stop and think.

Fav 11 1723 1019
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes

Fav 195 1188 8624
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober

Fav 22 6317 1575
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

Fav 87 16561 3466
share tweet