I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Are my feet made of real feet?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
tequila makes me forget i have legs
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We need to rekindle our bromance
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
she told me i tasted like america
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card