She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
a search helicopter?!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I told you penises don't tan
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.