i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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