i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i dont even know how to be here
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
no you cant smoke seaweed
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i think i have herpe
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating