When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?