i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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