Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.