Texts From Last Night

skimvlcm's Favorites Texts:

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  (904): View more from Florida

  I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.

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  (904): I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/n34k
  Replies (6) Good night (3038) Bad night (1304) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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  (706): Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession? http://tfl.nu/ohzs
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  (310): View more from California

  So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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  (310): So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned? http://tfl.nu/6bz7
  Replies (15) Good night (4872) Bad night (734) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?

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  (203): We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad? http://tfl.nu/ilwk
  Replies (37) Good night (7599) Bad night (1138) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
  Replies (57) Good night (19270) Bad night (962) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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  (413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt
  Replies (36) Good night (15444) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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  (405): New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top http://tfl.nu/zi79
  Replies (256) Good night (7920) Bad night (1995) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
  Replies (69) Good night (13668) Bad night (3307) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon

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  (561): I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon http://tfl.nu/z2jl
  Replies (21) Good night (4631) Bad night (356) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (246) Good night (64506) Bad night (2455) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

  (941): View more from Florida

  better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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  (615): Why do guys in porn never have boxers on? (941): better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn http://tfl.nu/0wxg
  Replies (25) Good night (6431) Bad night (758)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.

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  (314): I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures. http://tfl.nu/uab2
  Replies (124) Good night (4653) Bad night (743) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...

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  (262): My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here... http://tfl.nu/iwch
  Replies (54) Good night (4223) Bad night (1556) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
  Replies (107) Good night (31251) Bad night (899) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head

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  (949): this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head http://tfl.nu/73zt
  Replies (47) Good night (1166) Bad night (7255) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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  (937): Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon! http://tfl.nu/1aph
  Replies (92) Good night (13090) Bad night (1248) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library

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  (513): twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library http://tfl.nu/04eo
  Replies (22) Good night (5104) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal

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  (816): You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal http://tfl.nu/06xx
  Replies (28) Good night (4158) Bad night (532) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking

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  (330): Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking http://tfl.nu/g2ou
  Replies (16) Good night (5913) Bad night (710) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?

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  (412): do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister? http://tfl.nu/on91
  Replies (50) Good night (3112) Bad night (528) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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  (732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it. http://tfl.nu/hjdx
  Replies (79) Good night (8840) Bad night (2539) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.

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  (215): distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard. http://tfl.nu/840x
  Replies (36) Good night (3972) Bad night (1582) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now

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  (902): i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now http://tfl.nu/uxyj
  Replies (5) Good night (583) Bad night (3179) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days

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  (651): the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days http://tfl.nu/ifs4
  Replies (35) Good night (6320) Bad night (311) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.

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  (954): Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/pltj
  Replies (17) Good night (3738) Bad night (1026) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home

  (419): View more from Ohio

  move.

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  (513): i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home (419): move. http://tfl.nu/91am
  Replies (19) Good night (753) Bad night (7050)
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  (607): View more from New York

  he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him

  (313): View more from Michigan

  at least he gets points for a creative booty call

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  (607): he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him (313): at least he gets points for a creative booty call http://tfl.nu/28qp
  Replies (16) Good night (7013) Bad night (349)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..

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  (586): i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed.. http://tfl.nu/gekz
  Replies (34) Good night (5378) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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  (847): Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex. http://tfl.nu/aztc
  Replies (89) Good night (12907) Bad night (1276) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...

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  (510): Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking... http://tfl.nu/p911
  Replies (9) Good night (700) Bad night (4414) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome

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  (414): i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome http://tfl.nu/01jd
  Replies (36) Good night (9357) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk

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  (757): I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk http://tfl.nu/n8jk
  Replies (19) Good night (6561) Bad night (554) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving

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  (949): while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving http://tfl.nu/8zv1
  Replies (20) Good night (8609) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

  (562): View more from California

  You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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  (650): We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign (562): You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo http://tfl.nu/9pp5
  Replies (68) Good night (5423) Bad night (720)
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  (858): View more from California

  Life is so much better after having sex.

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  (858): Life is so much better after having sex. http://tfl.nu/blju
  Replies (39) Good night (10863) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.

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  (585): So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag. http://tfl.nu/s1z9
  Replies (17) Good night (8795) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god

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  (304): Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god http://tfl.nu/7ezr
  Replies (21) Good night (6033) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.

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  (970): totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off. http://tfl.nu/qavz
  Replies (34) Good night (6490) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.

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  (803): i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move. http://tfl.nu/ml5e
  Replies (15) Good night (1209) Bad night (4217) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  she sounds like chewbacca in bed

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  (978): she sounds like chewbacca in bed http://tfl.nu/5g24
  Replies (32) Good night (860) Bad night (6665) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.

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  (305): She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning. http://tfl.nu/va2c
  Replies (20) Good night (4015) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
  Replies (62) Good night (17475) Bad night (1747) Order T-Shirt
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!

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  (309): i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!! http://tfl.nu/asa6
  Replies (51) Good night (6774) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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  (954): I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa http://tfl.nu/4mlw
  Replies (79) Good night (13444) Bad night (635) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".

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  (917): My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva". http://tfl.nu/2q86
  Replies (25) Good night (4545) Bad night (1541) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women

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  (614): Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once? (410): Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women http://tfl.nu/hhx6
  Replies (11) Good night (3150) Bad night (616)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here

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  (515): Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here http://tfl.nu/owjx
  Replies (12) Good night (4299) Bad night (311) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20

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  (919): i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20 http://tfl.nu/xo20
  Replies (72) Good night (5270) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.

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  (765): I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan. http://tfl.nu/88ss
  Replies (182) Good night (1149) Bad night (3957) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.

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  (402): Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best. http://tfl.nu/u0y2
  Replies (104) Good night (13640) Bad night (813) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.

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  (519): While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf. http://tfl.nu/v6r3
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  (518): View more from New York

  I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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  (518): I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room. http://tfl.nu/qe4u
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"

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  (218): you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey" http://tfl.nu/pjur
  Replies (24) Good night (6154) Bad night (1005) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

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  (508): I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick http://tfl.nu/wbrv
  Replies (38) Good night (5075) Bad night (1595) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  did you answer or finish?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  both

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  (404): Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called? (1-404): did you answer or finish? (404): both http://tfl.nu/gzoz
  Replies (27) Good night (7093) Bad night (779)
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  (954): View more from Florida

  We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.

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  (954): We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles. http://tfl.nu/w60i
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  (509): View more from Washington

  im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid

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  (509): im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid http://tfl.nu/xma9
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?

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  (541): you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....? http://tfl.nu/ofi7
  Replies (28) Good night (4492) Bad night (698) Order T-Shirt
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.

  (647): View more from Ontario

  It's sore actually

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  (289): I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt. (647): It's sore actually http://tfl.nu/hwsg
  Replies (38) Good night (3886) Bad night (640)
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  (914): View more from New York

  you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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  (914): you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds http://tfl.nu/u8pq
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children

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  (504): how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children http://tfl.nu/hk2n
  Replies (11) Good night (1834) Bad night (3567) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.

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  (502): guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct. http://tfl.nu/g5ut
  Replies (48) Good night (5253) Bad night (1943) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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  (604): You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur. http://tfl.nu/i4e8
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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  (540): I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it. http://tfl.nu/dv65
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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  (814): Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends http://tfl.nu/5yet
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

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  (412): you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it http://tfl.nu/8zt4
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?

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  (720): i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do? http://tfl.nu/0v59
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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  (636): Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half. http://tfl.nu/fs6e
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.

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  (571): the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans. http://tfl.nu/yvak
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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  (301): I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa. http://tfl.nu/sbm1
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  (607): View more from New York

  I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

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  (607): I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome. http://tfl.nu/vi3x
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  how do flat chested girls get laid?

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  (724): how do flat chested girls get laid? http://tfl.nu/7tbe
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  (310): View more from California

  Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.

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  (310): Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready. http://tfl.nu/0n0r
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again

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  (610): ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again http://tfl.nu/ywr6
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  well most of my day revolves around power hour

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  (856): well most of my day revolves around power hour http://tfl.nu/z7v2
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home

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  (313): i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home http://tfl.nu/61ja
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.

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  (201): kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success. http://tfl.nu/o0d4
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.

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  (727): I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights. http://tfl.nu/lg7e
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday

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  (701): Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday http://tfl.nu/rqca
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.

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  (305): I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry. http://tfl.nu/el5m
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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  (828): so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/xwig
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.

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  (780): The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day. http://tfl.nu/xftd
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  (315): View more from New York

  can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet

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  (315): can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet http://tfl.nu/ofc9
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.

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  (603): Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror. http://tfl.nu/is4s
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes

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  (708): blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes http://tfl.nu/vynn
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"

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  (412): Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces" http://tfl.nu/4r9u
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  (408): View more from California

  Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.

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  (408): Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same. http://tfl.nu/sgs8
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

  (314): View more from Missouri

  did it work

  (573): View more from Missouri

  that's not the point...

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  (573): his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?" (314): did it work (573): that's not the point... http://tfl.nu/fjqb
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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  (973): you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere. http://tfl.nu/70ri
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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  (203): i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year http://tfl.nu/ku2e
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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  (860): So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever. http://tfl.nu/64bh
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

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  (902): Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left. http://tfl.nu/ytq9
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  (407): View more from Florida

  the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

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  (407): the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever. http://tfl.nu/psk0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate

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  (617): Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate http://tfl.nu/lx6z
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.

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  (540): Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply. http://tfl.nu/723h
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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  (802): you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv. http://tfl.nu/a1rt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  "must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.

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  (856): "must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls. http://tfl.nu/lfhc
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  (212): View more from New York

  ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  this is Aaron, hi

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  (212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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  (541): I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk. http://tfl.nu/yadf
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  (408): View more from California

  I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?

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  (408): I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access? http://tfl.nu/pvq3
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

  (1405): View more from

  I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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  (405): If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie. (1405): I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes? http://tfl.nu/u9sc
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home

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  (612): Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home http://tfl.nu/ug2x
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Some milfs here doing some blow

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Dad?

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  (203): Some milfs here doing some blow (1-203): Dad? http://tfl.nu/14p7
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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  (970): Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker" http://tfl.nu/30jj
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  (425): View more from Washington

  im bored tell me something entertaining

  (206): View more from Washington

  You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.

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  (425): im bored tell me something entertaining (206): You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam. http://tfl.nu/m0ao
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..

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  (519): I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team.. http://tfl.nu/ngxj
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to

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  (720): What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to http://tfl.nu/xbm0
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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  (803): that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins http://tfl.nu/u9n2
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

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  (907): I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night. http://tfl.nu/j04h
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make

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  (303): who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make http://tfl.nu/gmr8
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.

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  (615): I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower. http://tfl.nu/v1s4
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (310): View more from California

  it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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  (310): it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls. http://tfl.nu/2hrl
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  You better have your party panties on Saturday!

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  Why only Saturday?

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.

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  (205): You better have your party panties on Saturday! (1-205): Why only Saturday? (205): Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri. http://tfl.nu/ifn7
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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  (314): screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all. http://tfl.nu/filb
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  it was like fucking gandolphs beard

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  (405): it was like fucking gandolphs beard http://tfl.nu/vnqc
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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  (256): Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green. http://tfl.nu/6tsm
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  (516): View more from New York

  I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume

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  (516): I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume http://tfl.nu/0r2u
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.

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  (905): 9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey. http://tfl.nu/esjs
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.

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  (404): Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that. http://tfl.nu/0caw
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?

  (1-301): View more from Maryland

  hey.....beach week happens

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  (301): About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ? (1-301): hey.....beach week happens http://tfl.nu/0seh
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"

  (1-972): View more from Texas

  More like "Chia Pet"

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  (972): I just named my vagina "The Boneyard" (1-972): More like "Chia Pet" http://tfl.nu/ds7x
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

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  (812): i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys. http://tfl.nu/wntn
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm jealous

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My throat feels like a candle.

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  (270): T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English. (1-270): I'm jealous (270): My throat feels like a candle. http://tfl.nu/vpw9
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.

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  (321): You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called. http://tfl.nu/6o7h
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.

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  (203): We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won. http://tfl.nu/1h1c
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

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  (306): This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded http://tfl.nu/nfzj
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  (209): View more from California

  what is college for if not random hookup sex?

  (951): View more from California

  learning.

  (209): View more from California

  i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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  (209): what is college for if not random hookup sex? (951): learning. (209): i would literally fuck learning if i could. http://tfl.nu/3rtk
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  (818): View more from California

  I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life

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  (818): I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life http://tfl.nu/xzyw
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  (817): View more from Texas

  The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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  (817): The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen. http://tfl.nu/gj69
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.

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  (330): Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt. http://tfl.nu/yvoh
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1

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  (610): He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1 http://tfl.nu/y50i
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.

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  (734): I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit. http://tfl.nu/jg4n
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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  (815): Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked http://tfl.nu/ct4t
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  (512): View more from Texas

  The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Yes. For all mankind please do.

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  (512): The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her? (319): Yes. For all mankind please do. http://tfl.nu/4jly
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan

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  (269): You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan http://tfl.nu/otnu
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm not a mortal combat character

  (410): View more from Maryland

  but my vagina is

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  (860): I'm not a mortal combat character (410): but my vagina is http://tfl.nu/01am
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  She didnt have a camera...

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  (215): haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera (908): She didnt have a camera... http://tfl.nu/89kt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
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  (212): View more from New York

  I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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  (212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland. http://tfl.nu/ca0n
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  (760): View more from California

  i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.

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  (760): i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel. http://tfl.nu/n5cq
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell

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  (704): When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell http://tfl.nu/rk2d
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  (585): View more from New York

  the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please

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  (585): the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please http://tfl.nu/85bu
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I think im pregnant

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I think you have the wrong number

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  (843): I think im pregnant (803): I think you have the wrong number http://tfl.nu/a8yw
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  i want to fuck

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  ?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  it's pretty self explanatory

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  (701): i want to fuck (320): ? (701): it's pretty self explanatory http://tfl.nu/ul4n
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

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  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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  (804): you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning http://tfl.nu/f3jq
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  (516): View more from New York

  i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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  (516): i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik. http://tfl.nu/oo49
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.

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  (613): So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely. http://tfl.nu/77c9
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions

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  (778): I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions http://tfl.nu/u0tu
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.

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  (231): I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends. http://tfl.nu/26nn
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.

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  (412): His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'. http://tfl.nu/510f
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you

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  (310): I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you http://tfl.nu/5bao
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.

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  (314): I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight. http://tfl.nu/vmod
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid

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  (708): She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid http://tfl.nu/fpm2
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  maybe i'll see you again later :)

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I'd rather shit a knife.

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  (612): maybe i'll see you again later :) (774): I'd rather shit a knife. http://tfl.nu/qge0
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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  (973): i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers http://tfl.nu/mvp5
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  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed

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  (815): man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed http://tfl.nu/08b9
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  (407): View more from Florida

  she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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  (407): she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store http://tfl.nu/25ph
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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  (630): You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell.. http://tfl.nu/hsjq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)

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  (303): My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :) http://tfl.nu/qza7
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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  (814): he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth.. http://tfl.nu/cpmo
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack

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  (918): I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack http://tfl.nu/o54t
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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  (605): remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones http://tfl.nu/3i5q
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  birth control should be required to get into college

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  (413): birth control should be required to get into college http://tfl.nu/91c5
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