All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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