theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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