should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
where are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole