We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
of course. lets lasso hookers.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I intend to get homeless drunk
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you traded sex for a burrito?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.