My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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