This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Are we still banned from the library?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.